So The World Hates You

I'm Not So Bad Afterall!

2008-02-25T18:37:00.004-05:00

So, I sort of felt like a dirty old man for posting Shia LaBeouf in a speedo with his frank all outlined in spandex, and stuff. I'm less than a decade older than him, but because I remember him as that pube haired kid from Even Stevens, it feels wrong to drool over him all wet and half naked.

But after watching this video of some pudgy middle aged man flat out mouth-rape wee little Daniel Radcliffe, aka Harry Potter, aka Soon To Be Seen Naked in a Broadway Theater Near You... I don't feel nearly as dirty or perverted. Yay!!

Watch Harry get his man on man action below:

Best Comedy Video Ever

2008-02-22T12:36:00.005-05:00

So, I introduced you a little while back to the web gem, GodTube.com. It's the cookoo Christian answer to YouTube. You know, boring, bizarre, out of touch, and full of inadvertent humor. This video below is hi-larious. It's completely off, sort of confusing, and proof that I made the right choice to turn my shoulder on the old J-dog.

I mean, who are we supposed to be afraid of here??? The Evangelists? The non-believers? Either way I love it. I think my favorite is the wife who's all doped up on prescription pills, and who looks like she has a micro-chip wedged into her brain. Break free lady, get into a three way, and smoke some dope.

I'll Go Straight for You

2008-02-21T22:19:00.003-05:00

I think that this performance is really really awesome for a few reasons. First of all I LOVE THE KLAXONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Like, really love them, and while I don't really listen to Rhianna on my ipod or anything- I still dig her hard.

Now, of course, it's no surprise that a gay man loves Rhianna, but I love her more now than ever. I think she's really embracing a cool edgy side to her style. I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE that she's wearing a long sleeve gown, with a hooded shawl!!!! It works sooooo well with the lasers and the orchestration of the song. I really enjoy her shorter hair, and I love that she's willing to not look like a trampy slut like most young female popsters.

Now, if I could get a performance combining Rhianna, Bjork, Klaxons, and Daft Punk, I would fucking explode, like just instantly burst with excitement and joy. AHHHHH- I'm getting too excited even thinking about it.

I Feel Dirty

2008-02-21T20:52:00.006-05:00

So I don't know why a lot of people diss on Shia, but I actually like him a lot. What I don't like is that I'm conflicted with the funny feeling I get in my groin when I look at this picture. Part of me wants to get behind him, tear off his speedo, and.... well, you get the point. But at the same time, I can't help but feeling like that's wrong. Weird, I know, since I have no real moral compass,and his groin is so...outlined, seriously, do you think that's Photoshop, or is he really sporting that full a package? Well, perhaps I feel dirty, because deep down I'll always remember Shia as this boy from Even Stevens:

It's a shame really. Shia has turned into a sort of hot youngin', but because of his little stint with Disney, I won't ever be able to see him in his Speedos and not feel like a dirty old man for getting turned on. What a shame, what a shame.

Too Much Lifetime Movie Network

2008-02-13T18:43:00.005-05:00

TMZ is reporting that the Long Island hospital where J-Lo is planning to crap out her twinlets has been reportedly practicing "code pink" drills in precaution of a J-Lo babynapping.

Why doesn't she just have her vampire husband, Marc Anthony, circle the hospital and bite the neck of any would be baby burglers. That'll stop them.

Hot Pooch of the Week

2008-02-11T12:52:00.001-05:00

Meet Jack:

Jack is super duper super cute, and he needs a forever home. I've never had an Italian greyhound, but Jack makes me want one. I'm totally in love with that face and those eyes. You could tell he's totally skeptical of this photo shoot he's taking. He's about two minutes from walking off set and calling his manager for setting him up on this shit.

Check out his full adoption profile here.

I Creamed My Shorts

2008-02-11T11:17:00.001-05:00

Seriously people. I fucking wet myself when the Kanye began his performance and I saw the fucking pyramid spaceship on stage, and I officially lost my nut when this happened:

I LOVE THEM SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is probably the best thing that could have ever happened to the Grammy's and the American public. Isn't this Daft Punk's first televised appearance here in the states? AHHHHHHH!!!!!! So exciting. I'm in love with those robots. Also, this whole thing just makes me need some fiber-optic clothing in my life.

Enjoy the entire Daft Punk/ Kanye appearance on last nights Grammy's.

People of America, Please Note

2008-02-08T17:16:00.000-05:00

If I see you wearing this on the street, and I don't care who you are, or what you're doing, I will come over smack you on your head and steal these sandals from you- it's for your own good (actually I'm lying, if you're strong or bigger than me, I won't do this, but if you're small, a woman, sickly, or the elderly, then you better watch it).

Here's a little note from the creator of these beauties, which are called Bonsai Sheepskin Sandals (notice how I purposefully didn't refer to him as a designer- since slapping a shag rug on the top of a flip-flop does not make one a designer):

"It was a chilly Northern California morning two years ago, and as usual, I was running late for class. I kicked off my comfy sheepskin house slippers, but there would be no time for socks today. I eyed my well-worn pair of sandals by the door, and with my eyes on my watch, my hand on the doorknob, and my bare, rapidly-cooling feet slipping into my flip flops, a light bulb went off:

"I wonder if anyone's ever tried combining a flip flop with a sheepskin slipper?"

Well I hunted around, and nobody had. So I set out to try. A few months and a patent application later, I had solved my little problem. And as it turns out, I wasn't the only person out there who wanted to wear their flip flops all year round.

— Alex V., Founder, Bonsai Sandals"

...No Time for Socks???? Who doesn't have time for socks. It takes like .2 seconds to put them on. Socks are also our friends and necessary to cover our skank feet. Thank God this Alex person is in Northern California, since I don't live there, but still, I have friends who do, and I'm scared for them quite honestly.

Seriously- since most people who wear stuff like this tend to be sort of crunchy and shit, can you imagine how nasty a sheep skin covered flip-flop would get? Gross.

I'm not including a link because that would only make it that much easier for the misguided to find a pair (and they come in different colors- eek!!!)

What Does This Mean?

2008-02-08T17:04:00.000-05:00

Look at this picture below of Lindsay Lohan taken about two nights ago and tell me this isn't a sign from above:

It's old school Lindsay!!!! I can't tell if her hair is more brown or red, but I don't care, as long as it's not blonde. Blonde hair on these girls is the sign of evil things to come. I think the dye seeps into their brains and makes them crazy.

Seriously, I can't believe how great she looks. So young and fresh in comparison to that nasty yellow stuff she had. She probably saw how vile Mischa Barton looks with her new yellow hair and promptly went to the salon to get hers dark again.

I really don't know what to expect next. This is the sign of great things to come. Lindsay Lohan goes back to her natural hair color today... world peace and Hillary Clinton in the White House tomorrow. The world is making sense again. Whew.

J Lo Ready to Explode

2008-02-07T19:27:00.000-05:00

Oh my god, look at Jennifer Lopez!!

Mamma is ready to burst like a swolen balloon or my anus after a night of McDonalds with a Taco Bell chaser.

Seriously, I love the idea that instead of going into labor, J Lo's tummy will just explode and out will pop her little twins along with whatever else she has in there. Hmm... I wonder what a J Lo explosion would look like?????

Girl Next Door

2008-02-04T22:08:00.000-05:00

So for those of you who have been following the Winehouse story-line on the Young and the Crackhead , when we last left off with our beloved heroine, her addiction to crack had been made public to the world when The Sun published this video of the Winehouse smoking crack and rambling something or another about a lost cat of hers. Amy has then since dyed her hair back to black and adorned the hive before checking into rehab 10 days ago, coping with her withdrawal symptoms through the pleasures of Marilyn Monroe movies (and I'm sure a fuckload of meds).

And so with all that having gone down within the past, oh, I don't know, two weeks, I was surprised to see Amy already out and about, and looking pretty good for the Wino.

What I'm most shocked about are those boobs? Have those always been there? Are they a side effect of detox? Are they just realizing, now that they're sober, that they fail in comparison to her giant bee-hive and are therefore over-compensating by growing over-night? All possibilities. But I suspect that, much like the bee-hive, Amy is using her ample bosom to hide all things secret and lost. Say perhaps this....

The little cat that Amy claimed her friends took from her house the night she was taped smoking crack.

Or perhaps it's her secret stash of crisps, chocolate, and crack...

But perhaps, since Amy is visiting the US Embassy she has something (or should I say someone) else hiding in her cleavage:

It's Blake, just in case she got her Visa on the spot, Amy was ready to make a run for it. Smuggled convict husband in her boobs. Drugs, cash, and a secret jet pack in the hive.

Hey Mambo!

2008-01-31T17:07:00.000-05:00

So this photo of Sofia Loren is sort of killing me right now. I mean, this woman is 73 people. 73!!! Even Lindsay Lohan barely looks this good and she's, like what, 21.

I think I know the answer to Sofia's secret. While other celebrities are going under the knife or using fetus/embreyo/snake venom cream to stay young and fresh looking, Sofia borrowed her secret from this hot bitch:

Princess Mombi from Return to Oz. Remember that shit? She's like the new evil witch when Dorothy returns and she turned all people in oz to stone and then collected the heads of pretty girls to wear on her body. If you didn't see that movie- rent it. It's fucking wierd as hell. I remember being petrified of the Wheelers. Seriously, this things scared me soo much I was afraid to even wear rollerskates in case I turn into them.

This idea makes a lot of sense to me though. It explains why she's always wearing chokers and high collars shit. To hide where the head snaps onto her body, see:

Call Me!

2008-01-30T14:23:00.000-05:00

Le Drool.

OMG Ryan is sooo hot I can barely handle it. Seriously, this boy is cute cute cute. Jake Gyllen-who? Ryan Gosling is seriously the sexiest young actor out there. Look at that face. I just want to... well actually, for the sake of the lunch that you just ate, I'll leave what I want to do to my Ryan-poo a secret. For now!

Here are some more pics of Ryan being sooooooooo cute as the recipient of the Santa Barbara Film Festival Independent Award, that I'm going to explode:

How cute does he look with that trophy on his shoulder!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!

This Has Xenu Written All Over It!

2008-01-30T13:20:00.000-05:00

Okay, so this is some Hollywood sci-fi disaster shit. So, some of you may know that I have a secret obsession with asteroids and space debris, and the idea that an asteroid can come and hit earth and totally destroy us all, and how much that would suck, and if I knew that this was going to happen, what would I do with myself? Would I go home to my family? Would I go out and try to get laid as much as possible? Would I be constantly high on drugs all the time? No. Yes. and Yes. Also, I would probably adopt a bunch of dogs from the pound and treat them to the best few months, weeks, days of their lives and shit. You know, since I really have a soft spot in my heart for pound dogs and all. It would probably be amazing moment in my life actually.

So, with that said, I've been paying some attention to this rogue satellite that has fallen out of orbit and is currently speeding towards Earth. Yikes, right? Well the articles I first read ensured they were tracking it, it wouldn't be a big deal, blah blah blach. Until today. People, this satellite is heading to earth and it's ready to strike North America sometime in February and March. Read below:

"The U.S. military is developing contingency plans to deal with the possibility that a large spy satellite expected to fall to Earth in late February or early March could hit North America.
Air Force Gen. Gene Renuart, who heads of U.S. Northern Command, told The Associated Press on Tuesday that the size of the satellite suggests that some number of pieces will not burn up as the orbiting vehicle re-enters the Earth's atmosphere and will hit the ground.
"We're aware that this satellite is out there," Renuart said. "We're aware it is a fairly substantial size. And we know there is at least some percentage that it could land on ground as opposed to in the water."
A U.S. official confirmed that the spy satellite is designated by the military as US 193. It was launched in December 2006 but almost immediately lost power and cannot be controlled. It carried a sophisticated and secret imaging sensor but the satellite's central computer failed shortly after launch. The official spoke on condition of anonymity because the information is classified as secret.
Renuart added that, "As it looks like it might re-enter into the North American area," then the U.S. military along with the Homeland Security Department and the Federal Emergency Management Agency will either have to deal with the impact or assist Canadian or Mexican authorities. Military agencies, he said, are doing an analysis to determine which pieces most likely would survive re-entry. But he cautioned that officials won't have much detail on where or when it will crash until it begins to move through the atmosphere and break up.
Renuart added that there does not as yet appear to be much concern about sensitive technologies on the satellite falling into enemy hands.
"I'm not aware that we have a security issue," he said. "It's really just a big thing falling on the ground that we want to make sure we're prepared for." The satellite includes some small engines that contain a toxic chemical called hydrazine — which is rocket fuel. But Renuart said they are not large booster engines with substantial amounts of fuel." (read full story here)

Quick- Call Will Smith! Call Ben Affleck! Call Bruce Willis! They will know what to do. Actually, does Will Smith have any asteroid/ rogue satellite experience? I suppose it doesn't matter. Whatever space experience he does have should hopefully come in handy.

Seriously, if this comes crashing down on NYC I'll be pissed. I blame the Republicans or Scientologists for this. Don't ask me why, but they both seem like good targets for blame. Figures a spy satellite shot up into space under this administration is destined for failure and ready to bite America back in the ass.

All I have to say is that come late february/ early march I won't be anywhere without a helmet on my head and an umbrella. What? You can never be too cautious people.

Cal-i-forn-ia Here I Come

2008-01-30T12:56:00.000-05:00

So I consider myself a New Yorker. The idea of going to California for anything more than a vacation is maddening to me. Earthquakes! Fires! Mudslides! DRIVING! These are all things I haven't experienced, but am pretty sure I'd hate. Plus, I don't think it's right to live somewhere without a full range of seasons. HOWEVER, after reading this article, I think I might have found my reason to put all that shit behind me and pack it up ,and head out to California:

"LOS ANGELES - The city that popularized the fast food drive-thru has a new innovation: 24-hour medical marijuana vending machines.
Patients suffering from chronic pain, loss of appetite and other ailments that marijuana is said to alleviate can get their pot with a dose of convenience at the Herbal Nutrition Center, where a large machine will dole out the drug around the clock.
'Convenient access, lower prices, safety, anonymity,' inventor and owner Vincent Mehdizadeh said, extolling the benefits of the machine.
But federal drug agents say the invention may need unplugging.
'Somebody owns (it), it's on a property and somebody fills it," said DEA Special Agent Jose Martinez. "Once we find out where it's at, we'll look into it and see if they're violating laws.'" (click here to read full story)

Of course federal drug agents have to ruin everything, but still, a pot vending machine is totally awesome.
All they need to do is add a soda machine on one side and a snack vending machine on the other and it would be my dream. Actually, strike that, create an all-in-one pot, soda, and snack vending machine, and keep that shit in my building lobby- then it would be my dream!!

Diamonds Are a Crackheads Best Friend

2008-01-29T17:30:00.000-05:00

Got a little drug problem? Suffering from wicked withdrawal? Wanna clean it up but don't have time for stinky rehab? Well get yourself a BlockBuster Card and start watching some Marilyn Monroe. That's what the Wino's doing:

"Her dad Mitch told The Sun yesterday: 'Amy is very ill and is suffering horrific withdrawal symptoms - shivering and constantly throwing up. Her body is expelling all the rubbish. One thing helping Amy is her Marilyn Monroe films. Amy loves Some Like It Hot. She’s a huge fan of Monroe and thinks she’s wonderful.'
Amy, 24 - who famously sang ‘No, no, no!’ to treatment in her hit Rehab - was admitted to London’s Capio Nightingale Hospital last Thursday after The Sun published shocking video stills of her smoking crack cocaine." (click here to read the whole article)

Somebody quick, call Dr. Drew of Celebrity Rehab. If Marilyn Monroe movies can help super-junkie, Amy Winehouse, with her withdrawal symptoms, think of what it can do to your run of the mill addicts!!!! Someone should study the healing properties of Marilyn Monroe movies.

Here's hoping that all that Marilyn watching won't send her back to this look:

Someone Stop This Fool

2008-01-29T16:28:00.000-05:00

So one of my first posts was about this queertastic fool hanging out at JFK airport to meet Katherin Heigl to give her some shit to help her quit smoking. I noted then that he had, what I call, Borough gay voice, which sort of sounds like Lea Remini, just less butch.
Well apparently this fool has nothing better to do than spend his days at the airport harassing the worst of the worst. First it was the Heigl, who I can't tolerate for even one moment.
Then it was this mess:

Unless he's trying to steal that hat away and burn it, then he shouldn't even be aknowledging this bovine.
Then it was this skank who I just posted about below:

See him in the corner. He probably gave Paris those fugly sunglasses.
And here he is with James Gandolfini:

And here he is with James Gandolfini trying to smash his face in:

And here he is with James Gandolfini ready to choke him before his publicist/lawyer/agent person stops him:

Seriously, if I was Tony Soprano, I totally would have beaten the living shit out of that kid, and that eaten him for dinner.
You need to check out the video on TMZ from where these stills were taken. I think my favorite part is not that James pulls a Bjork and almost out of nowhere kills this kid. It's how different this boy sounds when he's talking to James from how he sounded in the Katherine Heigl encounter. Talk about trying to butch it up for the straighties.

Straight Off the Runways of Staten Island

2008-01-29T16:14:00.000-05:00

So just two posts down you can read my rant about how much I HATE when people wear comfy "travel" clothes, like velour jump suits, or PJs, or UGGS when they travel on an airplane. Well if you disagreed with me, and you don't think that people who wear UGGS or velour jump suits should be shot and removed from the airport, then I guess you have the same logic and mental capacity as this tramp:

Yup, that's Paris Hilton arriving in NYC looking cheaper than a sale at Forever 21. And is that Paris's nylon duffel bag that that bitch in the red sweater is carrying? As if the whole ensemble couldn't get any cheaper looking. For a girl who once claimed that she didn't know what a WalMart was, she certainly has the whole look down.

I'd Prefer If We Didn't Work Together Actually.

2008-01-29T14:56:00.000-05:00

Ok, so don't even ask me how I came upon this video on Youtube, let's just say it was accidental. And by accidental, I mean, I discovered this freak after reading a crazy post he wrote on Broadwayworld.com (don't judge, I only read, I don't post), and am now secretly obsessed with him and his awkward and embarrassing videos. Here is a music video that I'm sure is meant to spark some idea of equality and social justice, but instead, it even makes me afraid of homos. It's soooo bad it's delicious. There are even more frightening videos, but I think this captures the overall spirit best:

Isn't this genius? I swear, it ranks up there with that Big Bibles video I posted the other day. I love the Casio Keyboard accompaniment and the fact that part of it looks as if it was shot in Astoria, which is exactly where I would expect this wanna-be theater queen to live. Those lyrics have to be the worst I've ever heard in a million years. Plus his face has this frog/fish man appearance to it, with a forehead that looks as if I could hide out under it until the rain clears. It's scary and should probably be kept under a paperbag, except on Oct. 31, the only day it should be allowed out. Perhaps he's related to Bertrand from Star Academy (see my earlier post if you don't know who I'm talking about).

2008-01-29T12:49:00.000-05:00

Sick of seeing people from New Jersey, Staten Island, and Long Island wearing their "travel" velour jumpsuit when boarding the airplane? (Seriously, I hate when people who travel wear "travel" comfort clothes, like pj bottoms and UGGS, as if because they have to sit in a plane seat for a few hours, it suddenly becomes okay to dress like you're home watching Liftetime because it's a heavy flow day and you got serious cramps.) Well worry no more, you can now fly naked... well in Germany at least:

"FRANKFURT (Reuters) - German nudists will be able to start their holidays early by stripping off on the plane if they take up a new offer from an eastern German travel firm.
Travel agency OssiUrlaub.de said it would start taking bookings from Friday for a trial nudist day trip from the eastern German town of Erfurt to the popular Baltic Sea resort of Usedom, planned for July 5 and costing 499 euros ($735).
"It's expensive, I know," managing director Enrico Hess told Reuters by phone. "It's because the plane's very small. There's no real reason why a flight in which one flies naked should be more expensive than any other.
The 55 passengers will have to remain clothed until they board, and dress before disembarking, said Hess. The crew will remain clothed throughout the flight for safety reasons.
"I wish I could say we thought of it ourselves but the idea came from a customer," Hess told Reuters by phone. "It's an unusual gap in the market."
Naturism, or "free body culture" (FKK) as it is known in Germany, was banned by the Nazis but blossomed again after the Second World War, particularly in eastern Germany.
"There are FKK hotels where you can go into the restaurants and shops naked, for example," Hess said. "For FKK fans -- not that I'm one of them -- it's nothing unusual."
"I don't want people to get the wrong idea. It's not that we're starting a swinger club in mid-air or something like that," he added. "We're a perfectly normal holiday company."

Jeez, I hope for the sake of the passengers, there isn't a lot of turbulence. All that ball, penis, and boobie flopping can start to get painful after a while, especially when they're all just hanging out all loosey goosey. That's why I always wear a jock strap while traveling!

I feel bad for these flight attendants. True, flight attendants are giant whores by nature who get their rocks off in the airport bathroom. But you know that most of the people who ride this flight are old men whose balls sag down to their knees, and women with spiderwebs and dust bunnies growing in their cooters and boobs that droop to their belly button.

What Do I Gotta Do?

2008-01-28T12:16:00.000-05:00

So first off, let me say that I totally am the laziest fuck in the world, and did not post anything this entire weekend. I know, one week of blogging and I loose interest. It's fine, since I'm pretty sure that I'm the only person who reads this. But now I'm back, and since I'm still sort of lazy I'm only going to go as far as to share a video I saw on my favorite blog- DListed.

I present to you this AMAZING clip of Celine Dion from the French TV program- Star Academy, which is like a French American Idol but only WAY better. This clip is totally magic, and it gets better as it goes on- so give yourself a 10 minute break and experience Celine in all her crazy glory.

Isn't this the most insane thing you've ever seen???? She just won't shut the fuck up. I refuse to believe that she isn't on drugs. Or maybe it's just menopause? I don't know what it is, but someone should bottle it up and sell it on the black market. It looks like a fun trip to be on.
But more important than Celine is how awesome this Star Academy is. First of all, the production values are so so so so so so much better. Look how sparkly and shit everything is. Also, all the boys are really cute, with the exception of Bertrand. And that host is super sexy. Seriously, I'd climb his Eiffel Tower anytime. Soooo much better than Ryan Seacrest, who is about as sexy as a dried up period stain. But back to Bertrand, what drugs was his mom on when she got pregnant with him? Seriously, he looks like a frog person or something. It's not right.
They need to bring this format to America. They did try it for a moment on ABC (Wikipedia it if you don't believe me), but it totally failed. But I say give it a second chance, put it on VH1 of the CW or something where it can be free to be trashy, not a family network like ABC. Fill the house with fame hungry teens, Adderall, and random nut job celebrities, and it will be a hit. And stick with the name Star Academy, not The One: Making a Star. No wonder it was cancelled.

Item of the Moment

2008-01-25T17:21:00.000-05:00

This Item of the Moment is for all you lazy mofo's who, like me, hate taking their pooch out for a walk when it's fucking freezing outside (or if you're too damn drunk after coming home from a night out). Yes, sometimes caring for your bitch can be a bitch, and so to simplify your life, I present to you THE PAWWWS:

Isn't this thing ridiculous? And by ridiculous, I mean awesome. Sure, it sort of looks a little dangerous, and some of those dogs look as if they're one misstep from being pulled under the conveyor belt, but it beats the fuck out of actually taking your dog outside. I hope it plays that soundtrack too when the dog walks, that was funky. Now if only it could dispose of doggie poop, then it would be a dream.
Click Here to get your PAWWS Pet Treadmill.

My New Hero

2008-01-25T13:51:00.000-05:00

Meet my new hero Peter Burkhill. He was recently hailed a hero in the real sense of the word, after he saved a bunch a passengers by performing an emergency air landing. Click here to read the entire article from News of the World. But you know those Brits love their scandals and these pictures of Peter partying during his younger years have emerged:

Ah, here's Peter getting some chocolate licked off of his Peter (yummy!)
And below is my personal favorite pic of the bunch:

LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!!!!! Any man who sticks twizzlers up his ass is more than alright by me. This is some kinky-ass candy shit. Seriously- do you think the girls used that twizzler as a straw and sipped up his butt juices. EWWWW.
Well Peter, if the scandal gets to much for you to handle you can always come to New York and perform an emergency landing on my bed!!!

THANK YOU GOD

2008-01-25T11:59:00.000-05:00

Now for the most part I pretty much assumed that God abandoned my skank ass a long time ago, and that's cool- I really don't need someone so judgemental hanging over all my business. But anyway, it seems that God really does love me, and has therefore blessed me with GODTUBE. Have you heard of this??? It's the Christian answer to YouTube, and it's brilliant. Seriously, it's hysterical in that creepy, out-of-touch, cult-like God obsessed way.
Below is a video created by Dan Smith while he was working at New Life Christian Church (Centreville, VA) for a Sunday morning sermon- and it's a little bit of sunshine.

My favorite has to be the nasty bitch at the start of the video, that face, that hair, that voice...heaven. Oh, also, the comments below the videos are just fantastic. Here are a few of my favorites. Oh, and people- this video was made in like 2007.

From drich
Thought this was great. It refocused the world attention on women's body parts to the woman's heart part. Thank you- drich
um...I'm glad you think that the WORLD is listening

From HolyGhost
You are all straying away from the conversation, of Gods plan of salvation the way the bible.
You tell them HolyGhost

From bornagainmikeyaygod
God has a sense of humor and how are we supposed to win converts if we can't make them laugh in a positive way? This is a good thing.
Winning converts? Everyone hide!

More Crazy Brit News

2008-01-25T11:25:00.000-05:00

And no, I don't mean Britney Spears, I mean those wild and crazy Englishmen from over the pond. Today we have Robert Fidler, who made the British papes after it was discovered that he was building a CASTLE behind a pile of haystacks (read below):

"A farmer built an entire mock castle behind a screen of hay bales and lived there concealed for four years to evade planning regulations, officials said on Friday -- but it may be torn down anyway.
Robert Fidler hopes to take advantage of a provision of planning law that allows buildings without planning permission to be declared legal if no objections have been made after four years, but Reigate and Banstead Borough Council in Surrey is not impressed.
The council wants the building near Redhill some 30 km south of London to be demolished, along with an associated conservatory, marquee structure, wooden bridge, patio, decking and tarmac racecourse.
'It looks like a mock-Tudor house from the front and it's got two turrets at the back," the spokeswoman said. "I understand there is also a cannon.'" (Read Full Article Here)
Robert Fidler is a hot ass bitch for building his family a fucking CASTLE, shit I don't even know that my dad even built us a shelf. Reigate and Banstead Borough Council in Surrey better let his ass keep that castle. Seriously, if anyone comes to tear it down, he should just shoot their asses with the cannon!!

Sisters from the Same Ugly Ass Mister

2008-01-25T11:07:00.000-05:00

Here's Kate Moss with her sister, oh wait, that's her mother, leaving dinner last night in London. Seriously, Kate only looks about 5 years younger than her mother, and her mom, or mum since they're Brits, doesn't look so hot for someone in her 50s either:

"They had just wrapped up a night out with Little Britain star David Walliams, Elton John's husband David Furnish and journalist Janet Street Porter.
Kate has kept close company with her mother in recent times, with Linda joining in on the star's raucous 34th birthday celebrations earlier this month."(Daily Mail)

OMG!!!! Do you think that Kate's mom was one of the other women in the bed during Kates B-day orgy?!?!?!? EWWWW!!!!! That's gross.

Seriously though, I can't believe that this hag continues to model. I used to LOVE her when I was a teenager, but that's probably just because I was gay and going to high school in NYC and thought that whole CK heroin chic shit was hot, and she resembled a boy. But now, she is straight up busted.

The article went on to explain that they're shipping Kate over to the states as she's going to be an instrumental part in the opening of the TopShop stores here in NYC. Um... this is NYC, reasonable priced super hot British fashion in New York doesn't need Kate to bring in the customers. In fact her fug ass might turn us away.

On the other hand, if we can get some 4 in a bed action in the states- with VIDEO- then I'd be okay with it.

White Lines

2008-01-24T14:58:00.000-05:00

The NYDaily News is reporting the "drug dealer to the stars", is ready to sell his story, and guess who he claims one of his celebrity clients is? Read below:
"It seems New York's self-proclaimed "drug dealer to the stars" is selling more than happy pills.
Wednesday, a gentleman who represented himself as Lindsay Lohan's former cocaine dealer let it be known, through an intermediary, that he was ready to sell his story.
And he promised that he would spill on his other "big, big celebrity clients" if the price was right.
Quaintly, the Daily News does not pay sources, so Lindsay was the only name we got out of him.
"Lindsay was texting him over and over the week she was in town with [boyfriend at the time] Riley Giles," says the broker.
"But he said he wouldn't see her because she was just out of rehab." (NYDailyNews GateCrasher)

Um...this story just doesn't ring true to me. If he's so hard up for cash that he's ready to sell his client list then he should of ran to Lindsay's house when she paged him. Shit, fresh at of rehab she was probably ready to spend big, what kind of drug-dealer is he?
Actually, what am I saying? Isn't Lindsay reportedly hard up for cash? He probably didn't show-up because he knew her ass was broke.

Seriously though, something about this shit is shady. I mean if he's not going to come forward, and reveal his identity then he can basically say anything about anyone, and who can question him. Plus if he was really a drug dealer to the stars, then he must plan on selling his story for big $$$$ cause ain't no one gonna page his ass again once he spills the beans.

Tom Cruise Has His on Pre-Order

2008-01-24T14:01:00.000-05:00

"British billionaire Richard Branson, left, and the aerospace designer Burt Rutan unveil a model of SpaceShipTwo, the vehicle they hope will be able to take passengers on suborbital joy-rides, just for the fun of it, with test flights beginning as soon as this year, during a news conference in New York, Wednesday, Jan. 23, 2008. At top is a model of White Knight Two, the mothership for Space Ship Two, which is now under construction at a hangar in the Mojave Desert." (Associated Press)

This is maybe the most awesome thing I've EVER read. This is what the motherfucking 21st century should be about people. Seriously, if the 20th century brought us automobiles, and airplanes, and computers and shit, then the 21st century should be all about space travel, robots, clones, beam-me-up-scottie shit, and a whole bunch more. Seriously, if we went from horse-and-buggy shit in the beginning over the 20th century to space-travel and airplanes and shit at the end of it- think where we can go from here.

The Lampkin Has Landed

2008-01-24T13:26:00.000-05:00

So just below you will see my post on Jeffrey Lampkin after watching him last night on American Idol. He is my new idol, and hopefully will be the next American Idol. As I said yesterday this kid is cook-a-loo crazy and I love every minute of it. Seriously he is ridiculousnees to the max.

In my personal opinion the world needs more Jeffrey Lampkin to brighten our days and lives.

Isn't this just pure bliss??

In all sincerity I truly heart this kid. Below is his full AI audition which he did with his less fascinating but equally sweet sister.

My New Idol

2008-01-23T23:06:00.000-05:00

So tonight's episode of American Idol featured one of my FAVORITE CONTESTANTS EVER. This kid is just cook-a-loo crazy, and I love every ounce of his ridiculous self. I'm being completely sincere here.

I promise I'll find video of him and post a comp of why I love him oh so much. In the meanwhile enjoy this photo of the fabulous Jeffery Lampkin:

Freak on a Leash

2008-01-23T21:49:00.000-05:00

Ah, how I love those wild and crazy Brits.

Meet Tasha Maltby:

Tasha Maltby, 19, told British newspapers she was the "pet" of her 25-year-old fiance Dani Graves.
Pictures showed her dressed in black Gothic-style clothing with silver buckles on a silver chain -- which the driver of a bus from the firm Arriva took exception to.
She told the Daily Mail newspaper Wednesday she was thrown off and told: "We don't let freaks and dogs like you on."
Arriva would not comment on specifics but said it apologized if the couple felt they had been discriminated against. It added, however, that the driver was worried about safety and the company told Maltby to take the leash off in the future.
"We have spoken to the driver who has talked about health and safety," a spokesman said. "Should she be attached to a chain and something happens on the bus, that could be dangerous. All we are saying is that she is very welcome to use the buses but not when she is on her lead."
Maltby -- who lives on state benefits and got engaged in November -- said her choice of lifestyle might seem unusual but was harmless.
"I am a pet," she told the Daily Mail. "I generally act animal-like and I lead a really easy life. I don't cook or clean and I don't go anywhere without Dani. It might seem strange but it makes us both happy. It's my culture and my choice. It isn't hurting anyone." BBC News

Sign me up! Seriously, other than the leash business, being a pet sounds like the way to go. Someone to cook for me, clean for me, wipe my ass- Sweet!.

Gossip Girl

2008-01-23T13:29:00.000-05:00

Now, I'll shamelessly admit that I love Gossip Girl. It's fun, has good clothes, really pretty people, and good pop music. It also makes me feel young in a weird transcendental sort of way, even though by principal I should feel fat, ugly, and old compared to the kids romping across the screen.

What I also love about a show like this, just as with The OC, you get some good on-set drama to go along with the on-screen antics.

NY DailyNews Gatecrasher is reports the following:
"Leighton Meester and Blake Lively avoid each other like the plague while castmates choose sides," says a snitch.
"Chace Crawford tends to stick close to Leighton, while Penn Badgley hangs on and offscreen with Blake. The crew will snag Blake for a scene just moments before it is shot so they can avoid any awkwardness with Leighton." (click here to read the full article which then goes on to reveal the identity of the Gossip Girl along with some info about Lively and Badgley kissing on 5th ave or something).

Of course it's always the girls who start the shit on set, right? Personally, I think that this is just what happens when you put a bunch of people with dumb dumb names together: Blake Lively, Leigthon Meester, and Penn Badgley. What the fuck kind of goddamn names are these?? Don't any of these people have real normal names, like Mike, or Jen, or Brian, or Mary?

Pretending the rumor is true, if I was on set I think I would have a really tough time choosing sides between Blake Lively and Leighton Meester. I mean I don't know anything about these people, but based solely on looks it's a tough call:

I mean Blake always looks young and happy and energetic, and she seems like the kind of girl who would prank the shit out of Leighton in her off time, which is always a fun past time, especially if it involves boozes. Leighton on the other hand is beautiful, has amazing hair, and would probably be an amazing shopping partner. She also looks like the kind of girl who would take you to lunch a lot, and a free lunch in always a good thing in my book.

No Fred, God Hates You!

2008-01-23T11:33:00.000-05:00

I'm sure by now you all have read the reports that Fred Phelps and his Westboro Baptist Church have made plans to travel to Australia to picket outside of Heath Ledger's funeral. Below is a copy of the press release:

Now, this might be one of the most disturbing and disgusting things I have ever read, but I have a feeling that the people of Australia will know EXACTLY how to deal with these hillbilly hate mongers.

Very Sad News

2008-01-22T16:59:00.000-05:00

The Associated Press is reporting that actor Heath Ledger has passed away earlier today in a Manhattan apartment. Drugs are expected to be the cause. He was only 28 years old. (Click here to read the article).

This is unbelievbly upsetting news. Heath was an amazingly talented actor, a young father, and seemed to have a massive career in front of him. There is nothing else to describe this news other than extremely sad and shocking.

Heath, our thoughts are with you.

This Isn't Really What New York Is Like?

2008-01-22T15:00:00.000-05:00

As I was reading through my daily blogs, I stumbled across this little video at CityRag. It's an advertisement for New York City, to promote tourism and shit (as if we need more fuckheads from Michigan wandering the streets).

I had no idea that a trip to New York also meant a trip on acid. How fun? Seriously though, I thought I was the only one who's ever seen a building sprout wings and shit, but apparently I'm not.

Why You Gotta Do Me Like That?

2008-01-22T14:24:00.000-05:00

(click on photo to see full size)
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! Jordan Catalano has broken my heart and officially crossed over to the dark side. And by dark side, I mean the black hole that is Paris' cooter.

I think I just died a little on the inside.

Do We Care?

2008-01-22T10:49:00.000-05:00

So the Oscar nominations are out, and I'm rather empathetic about the whole thing:

Best Picture
"Atonement"
"Juno"
"Michael Clayton"
"No Country for Old Men"
"There Will Be Blood"

Best Director
Julian Schnabel, "The Diving Bell and the Butterfly"
Jason Reitman, "Juno"
Tony Gilroy, "Michael Clayton"
Joel Coen and Ethan Coen, "No Country for Old Men"
Paul Thomas Anderson, "There Will Be Blood"

Best Actor
George Clooney, "Michael Clayton"
Daniel Day-Lewis, "There Will Be Blood"
Johnny Depp, "Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street"
Tommy Lee Jones, "In the Valley of Elah"
Viggo Mortensen, "Eastern Promises"

Best Actress
Cate Blanchett, "Elizabeth: The Golden Age"
Julie Christie, "Away From Her"
Marion Cotillard, "La Vie en Rose"
Laura Linney, "The Savages"
Ellen Page, "Juno"

Best Supporting Actor
Casey Affleck, "The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford"
Javier Barden, "No Country for Old Men"
Phililp Seymour Hoffman, "Charlie Wilson's War"
Hal Holbrook, "Into the Wild"
Tom Wilkinson, "Michael Clayton"

Best Supporting Actress
Cate Blanchett, "I'm Not There"
Ruby Dee, "American Gangster"
Saiorse Ronan, "Atonement"
Amy Ryan, "Gone Baby Gone"
Tilda Swinton, "Michael Clayton"

Best Foreign Film
"Beaufort" (Israel)"
"Counterfeiters" (Austria)
"Katyn" (Poland)
"Mongol" (Kazakhstan)
"12" (Russia)

Best Original Screenplay
Diablo Cody, "Juno"
Nancy Oliver, "Lars and the Real Girl"
Tony Gilroy, "Michael Clayton"
Brad Bird, "Ratatouille"
Tamara Jenkins, "The Savages"

Best Adapted Screenplay
Christopher Hampton, "Atonement"
Sarah Polley, "Away From Her"
Ronald Harwood, "The Diving Bell and the Butterfly"
Joel Coen and Ethan Coen, "No Country for Old Men"
Paul Thomas Anderson, "There Will Be Blood"

Best Animated Feature Film
"Persepolis"
"Ratatouille"
"Surf's Up"

Now, I haven't seen all the films that have been nominated, but I do know that Tim Burton should have gotten nominated over Jason Reitman for Juno, which was good, but not nearly as difficult or interesting from a directorial standpoint than Sweeney.

Since there were no Golden Globe Awards, I find that I really don't give a rat's ass about the Oscars. I think from now on, Hollywood should just have a Celebrity Red Carpet evening, where all the celebrities and wanna-be celebrities alike walk along a giant red carpet wearing ugly overpriced shit that they couldn't even pick out themselves, so that we can make fun of them! It's really the only reason I watch anyway.

Video Killed the Radio Star

2008-01-22T00:38:00.000-05:00

So below is the video that The Sun has acquired of Amy Winehouse smoking some crack. Just a normal day in the Winehouse house.

Now, I still can't believe that this bitch got a Visa to come to America for the Grammy's, but this is exactly the kind of show I'm hoping Amy will bring on the road, camera crew and all.

Hucka-Brit

2008-01-21T19:09:00.000-05:00

So Mike Huckabee is a giant douche asshole. We all know that he sucks harder than Tom Cruise in a three-way.

But if there was ever a reason as to why Mike Huckabee should NEVER EVER NEVER EVER be president it's this clip at TMZ.

Did you watch that? I wouldn't give her any advice... Be Careful!!!! I mean, what the fuck kind of goddamn answer is that? At least Hilary Clinton had enough sense to walk away- but this fool answers with that shit. If you're going to actually answer the question (you don't deserve to be president to begin with), you can at least start here: "Stop doing drugs, stop drinking, stop hanging out at gas stations, stop going to Starbucks, stop with that stupid British accent, wear some pants, get some new hair, go to the dermatologist, go to court and get your kids back." Any one of those answers would have been acceptable.

If he can't properly handle the Britney Spears crisis, then how is he possibly going to run this country!?!?!?

Meet Alfred!

2008-01-21T14:55:00.000-05:00

Alfred is a blind harbor seal, who is also missing his right eye, but is now happy and safe at the Los Angeles Zoo after being rescued from the New Jersey Shore (and really we all need to be rescued if we're at the NJ Shore). Read Alfred's story here.

I think Alfred needs to hook up with Basil the dog (see below), they have a lot in common, what with both of them being blind and missing their right eye. Perhaps their friendship will be the inspiration for a big screen children's animated feature about two blind animals who team up to save their save their zoo from being turned into strip malls by putting on a show with all the other blind, deaf, and dumb animals, bringing visitors in from far and wide, giving the zoo enough money to stay open forever!!! It's sort of a rip off of Charlotte's Web, but it's not like there are any original ideas out there anyway.

Hot Pooch of the Week

2008-01-21T10:37:00.000-05:00

So some of my favorite blogs feature a hot slut, hot guy, hot tranny, etc., etc. of the week, and I love it. And being that I don't have much of a mind of my own, I decided to take my own spin on it, and am presenting to you my first pick for Hot Pooch of the Week!

Meet Basil:

Basil is a 9 year old male Shih Tzu. He is a perfect gentleman: he's great with everyone, including children, other dogs and cats. Basil has only one eye, but that doesn't slow him down at all! Can you give him a forever home? Basil has all his shots and is neutered and microchipped. To find out more about Basil call 917.405.1544. (Click here to see the full listing at Petfinder)

Now, Basil is a dog straight out of my heart and his eye is calling out to me. Adopt me, Please adopt me. Seriously, if I didn't already have a dog who was old and blind and constantly bumping into everything in my apartment forcing me to wrap all my furniture corners in towels so she doesn't poke her eye out, I would totally make Basil my own. I mean look how cute he looks in his little sweater:

And Basil is totally a celebrity, see how he's sticking his tongue out at the paparazzi for trying to take his photo during his morning walk. Give the dog some privacy people.

So come on, make up for your morally corrupt weekend, and adopt this little old grandpa. And if you do adopt Basil, please let me know, perhaps we can set him up with my old lady:

She Wants to be Popular

2008-01-20T21:11:00.000-05:00

The Cheno was tromping around LA this past weekend, looking pretty hot for a 40 year old musical theater actress.

After hitting the pavement and drinking a 40 ounce for a while, Kristen then took her best pap friends shopping, because, you know, we all want a camera crew with us when we try on clothing.

Now, I know musical theater performers aren't known for their subtelty, but if this photo op was any more staged, it could win a Tony.

P.S.
Please hang that dress back up. It looks like an organza garbage bag. Thanks.

Is This Better?

2008-01-20T20:13:00.001-05:00

So everytime I see a photo of Lindsay Lohan she's wearing tights.

Tights in the morning, tights in the evening, tights in the afternoon. Tights for breakfast, tights for lunch, tights for dinner underneath the moon.

Now obviously I'm not the first one to realize this, and there has been many a cry across the Internet for La Lohan to please stop wearing tights; to which I have to say:

Is this so much better?

Um... unless you're running out of the dressing room to grab the next pants size up, this look is not okay.

Carmen Sandiego

2008-01-20T13:50:00.000-05:00

REUTERS:
"Proving boomerangs really do come back, an Australian town was on Thursday celebrating the return of a boomerang stolen from an outback museum by an American tourist.." (click here to read the entire story).

Now, I know that the article claims that the boomerang was stolen and returned by a Vermont man named Peter, but I smell a cover up, and I have video proof that the culprit is none other than this bitch:

I got your number B. More like steal it yourself.

Say It Ain't So!

2008-01-20T12:54:00.000-05:00

GATECRASHER is reporting that Scarlett Johansson will be announcing her engagement to actor Ryan Reynolds some time soon.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I love Scarlett Johansson, and the idea of her getting married sort of depresses me. Now, I know that there is no shot in hell that we'd ever get together for numerous reasons, but someone as smoking hot as her should stay on the market as long as possible. Don't tie yourself down girl, you're too cute.

Personally I fear that Scarlett will become boring after she gets married, it's just what happens (unless of course you get a divorce, which brings your interest level to a whole new level of excitement and intrigue).

Well Scar, I guess if you're going to break my heart, at least it's with someone hot. And does anyone know if Ryan Reynolds is a Reynolds Aluminum Foil Reynolds? Because if he's heir to that silver fortune, she also bagged her self a rich one.

Here's a picture of Johansson from a New York Magazine shoot with my favorite director/writer bitch, Woody Allen:

(This photo could literally be a snap shot out of my dreams)

Rainbow Connection

2008-01-20T11:41:00.000-05:00

Broadway just got this much gayer:

This is the only pic I could find on the net without a watermark, but I think we can all agree that this is so gay it almost makes it all the way back around to being straight again (does that even make sense? Oh well, whatever).

Go to Perezhilton to see a full size image.

SLUTS OF AMERICA!

2008-01-20T11:14:00.000-05:00

THIS IS HOW IT’S DONE:

"The catwalk queen got hot and sweaty with two female models and a lucky male guest while a crowd of onlookers snorted cocaine and ogled the eye-popping performance". (click here to read the full article from New of the World).

Now I love the News of the World for a lot of reasons- but I think my favorite reason I go to this site is to read the comments, which are hilarious because they use all their crazy UK talk and shit. Here are a few of my faves:

Posted by: Edmund Simpson | January 20, 2008 at 10:23 AM
“that is one jammy bloke. anyone got her number?”

Posted by: Shelley | January 20, 2008 at 11:51 AM
“She really is NOTHING special at all,bit of a minger if you ask me. Whats all the fuss about??? Even her nipples look deformed.”

Posted by: buzz | January 20, 2008 at 12:59 PM
“Kate you are a manky old tart-old beyond your years”

Jammy, Minger, Manky Old Tart! -LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!
The next time someone says something nasty to me (which will probably be later this afternoon), I'm totally gonna be all "Jammy off, you manky old minger tart". That'll teach them.

This post by Joe speaks for itself:
Posted by: Joe | January 20, 2008 at 10:18 AM
“How wonderful to read of the gut-wrenching envy and impotent apoplectic rage now consuming Middle England at the sight of this intelligent, stunningly beautiful and fabulously rich, independent woman enjoying herself. Good on you, Kate - go for it! You make me proud to be English!”
Joe- YOU make me proud that you're English!

Item of the Moment

2008-01-19T12:30:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I know just yesterday I was all googoo gaagaa over this electronic bubble wrap shit. But this new toy from Japan totally kicks the electronic bubble wraps ass and has won it's place as my Item of the Moment.

I introduce to you the Ame no Wataame- it's a Japanese cotton candy maker that makes cotton candy from candy!!!! See the video demonstration below:

Make cotton candy from real candy? Yes! Ame de Wataame from Japan from JapanTrendShop on Vimeo.

Now I bet you the cotton candy she's eating is from some sort of shrimp candy- but still- I need this shit STAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I mean, for the unfortunate few that know me, you all know that I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE candy. I eat tons of candy and am always looking for the next best thing- and I think this is it.

I mean can you imagine cotton candy from say Sour Patch Kids, or Starbursts, or Sour Skittles, or Tropical Skittles, or Original Skittles, or Sour Power Straws, or Gummi Bears, or Nerds, or Sweet Tarts, or Smarties, or Fun Dip, or Pez, or Baby Bottle Pops, or Sweedish Fish, or Ring Pops, or Push Pops, or Blow Pops, or Pop Rocks, or Twizzlers, or Dots, or Mentos, or Fruit by the Foot, or Laffy Taffy, or WarHeads, or Mega WarHeads or Lemon Heads, or Cry Babies, or Sour Patch Kids, or Red Vines, or Red Hots, or Jolly Rancher, or Now n Later, or Gobstoppers, or Spree, or Chewy Spree, or Runts, or Pixie Stix, or Airheads, or Soda Bottle Pops, or....ARGGGHHHHHH, the possibilities are endless, my head is going to explode!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whew, all right now, I'm composed.

Seriously though- someone please buy this for me.

Thanks.

Let It Be a Quick Shoot

2008-01-19T12:01:00.000-05:00

Filming begins for the feature film adaptation of The Road, by Cormac McCarthy, and I hope that they crank this shit out ASAP because I LOVE this book and cannot wait to see it in theaters.

Now, I know that Oprah basically pushed this book harder than that bowel movement you had last night, but it doesn't change the fact that I cancelled plans to go out just to stay in and read the book straight through (and I never have plans, so that's a big deal), that's how much I loved it.

Well the movie stars Viggo Mortensen as the Father, which I think is PERFECT casting, and according to IMDB it also stars Charlize Theron (as I imagine his wife in the flashbacks- but it's not specified- but still I buy it- she'd totally kick ass in that role).

Casting is still underway, and as of yesterday they are currently seeking actors for the following role:
[GANG MEMBER] 20 to 35 years old, male. Caucasian. Strong CHARACTER faces only. Scars, pock marks, etc. - all welcome. This is a VERY THREATENING, rough man who has survived unspeakable conditions and has done unspeakable things...

So it's time to call your agents, you desperate needy whores, and tell them to that you and your pock marks are destined to be up on the big screen in the major motion picture adaptation of The Road. Casting is by Francine Maisler, but no phone calls, please. And if any of you mofo's book this job, I want my 10%.

Warning! Warning!

2008-01-19T10:31:00.001-05:00

Abortions in America are at an ALL TIME LOW!

According the AP News: "The number of abortions in the United States fell to 1.2 million in 2005, down 25 percent from the all-time high of 1.6 million in 1990 and dropping the abortion rate to its lowest level since 1974, according to report issued Thursday." (read full article here)

I must say, I'm a little disappointed in all you sluts out there. I mean, this is the lowest abortions have been since 1974 people. What does this say to the world? What does this say to our children?

People of America, are you prepared for all the babies that are coming your way? What are we going to do with all these babies? Feed them to the homeless? Sigh, I just don't know anymore.

I blame Hollywood. What with all the baby making going on out there and celebrities giving birth left and right. They're setting a terrible example for the sluts of this country.

It's a conspiracy I tell you, a conspiracy- corrupting the morally corrupt (not to mention population control).

Item of the Moment

2008-01-18T19:32:00.000-05:00

Remember the joys of bubble wrap??? Popping air filled bubbles of plastic over and over and over again until you finally drove your parents insane and they sent you to bed without supper for being such an annoying bastard. Ah, memories.

Now, remember how sad it was once you realized there were no more bubbles left and your mother gave the other sheet to your little sister. ARRRGGGHHHHHHH- how aggravating.

Well leave it to the Japanese to invent my Item of the Moment- Electronic Bubble Wrap!!!!!!

"PuchiPuchi is designed to simulate the look, feel, and sound of popping bubblewrap, perhaps every geek's favorite pastime.

Every 100 "pops" gives you a random sound including "door chime", "barking dog", "sexy voice", the eternal "fart" noise, and more! As an added bonus, among every 1000 pieces is a "puchi lucky" toy with a heart-shaped bubble." (Japan Trend Shop).

I had a Japanese friend in college who I used to smoke pot with, and she claimed that people in Japan weren't really into pot and drugs and shit,which is probably why she was reluctant to go back. I think that totally sucks, but I believe it. That's why they have such crazy shit out there like electronic bubble wrap- ain't nothing else to do.

But seriously- I can't wait to go to Japan one day to buy a whole bunch of sneakers and crazy ass toys and shit. Oh, I'll also remember to stuff some pot up my ass for my friend, since it's hard for her to get. It might smell like rotting intestines of a pig, but once she's stoned she won't mind.

Oh, and as is always the case, I will happily accept this as a gift.

Thanks!

America's Next Top Model Alert!!!!

2008-01-18T18:42:00.000-05:00

So, as I was wasting my time today, between watching porn and eating donuts, I saw on FourFour blog that the model pohots for the next cycle of America's Next Top Model are out.

I'm not going to say anything about these girls just yet (I'm just getting over the last mind-numbing cycle), except that each of these girls looks like a knock-off of a previous contestent. I wouldn't be surprised if this was actually Tyra's plan. This past season it was about girls with "different" or "hidden" beauty- aka they're all fug until you photoshop the shit out of them. This upcoming season is probably all about "Girls who look like previous contestants, but who need to bring their own game" or some crazy ass Tyra shit. See them for yourself here.

If you're into ANTM like I am (you have problems) then you probably already know about FourFour, but in the event that you don't- this is one of the funniest sites around- and Rich does maybe the funniest recaps of episodes I've about ever read.

Pappa Can You Hear Me?

2008-01-18T17:33:00.001-05:00

So earlier in the day I posted this little ditty about older hot men, and that while it all looks good at first, a picture of Bruce Willis made me rethink the idea since he looked as if he was in need of a walker or something.

Well after seeing this photo of the hotness that is John Slattery, I take back my words.

John is certainly looking sexy in these pictures for a man with a head full of white hair. Seriously, he's totally giving me his bedroom eyes.

John was looking fine at the party for the Broadway show November, and NONE OF YOU THEATER QUEENS BETTER HAVE BEEN TRYING TO STEAL MY MAN- I WILL CUT YOU UP. YOU HEAR THAT.

Actually, I don't know that I would want John to be my "man". He looks like he might be a little uptight and shit- like he'd get all pissed if I came all over his comforter. He also probably rinses with Hydrogen Peroxide after he has oral sex.

And the Big Question Is.....

2008-01-18T16:44:00.000-05:00

Does the carpet match the drapes???
Wow, Erykah Badu's fro is major- it's like it's own eco-system or something.
Talk about bringing the crazy- I think she and Lauren Hill should team up and really bring the nuts to a whole new level.

(Lauryn Hill looking like a Space Age Hobo Clown)

SJP to Trot onto the Bway Stage Again

2008-01-18T15:13:00.000-05:00

Theater queens, brace yourself! My favorite MY LITTLE PONY (and no, that is not my original diss, but I'm going to pilfer it since it captures my sentiments exactly- and not just because she necessarily looks like a pony, but also because she reminds me of the ridiculously girly-girl who would actually want a real life My Little Pony so she could brush it, and love it, and dress it in coordinating outfits as imagined by Patricia Fields) is rumored to be making her return to the Broadway stage in the upcoming production of Boeing-Boeing.

Michael Riedel of the New York Post is reports: "Parker, who's been looking for a comedy or musical in which to make her return to Broadway, is seriously considering the offer. If she says yes, she'll inject a much-needed dose of star wattage in the spring season".

Personally I think the stage is the perfect format for Sarah Jessica Parker, it beats the hell out of magnifying her mug a million times on the big screen.

Speaking of the Parker's mug on the big screen, here's the trailer for the Sex and the City Movie.

It's Britney Bitch

2008-01-18T14:37:00.000-05:00

Yup- it's all Britney, all the time.

I feel like no matter where I go or what I read- there's always some shit about Britney. Now I'm not complaining since I love reading about her wild and crazy antics- and if it was really that big of an issue- I could totally make the choice NOT to watch E! News and read Perez Hilton and US Weekly.

But now it's officially gone too far. Yesterday, while campaigning for her Presidential Election, Miss Hillary was asked if she had any advice for Britney!!! Now, it should be noted that the reporter was from TMZ, but still. Next, they'll be debating Britney-Gate on the fucking House floor. Democrats will argue to use our tax dollars to help her get off her Frappacino addiction, and Republicans will fight to deport her ass to Mexico after they build that fence of theirs.

There's video at the link above- Hillary laughs it off, but I know she wants to turn around and slap that bitch for being such a dumb ass reporter (if she's even allowed to call herself that- I mean she's from TMZ for crying-out-loud).

Oy. That's all I have to say.

Um... Am I Missing Something?

2008-01-18T14:02:00.000-05:00

The AP is reporting that plans meant to help the recovery of the endangered jaguar have been scrapped.
Why you ask?- Well let's see what the article has to say:
"The Interior Department has abandoned attempts to craft a recovery plan for the endangered jaguar because too few of the rare cats have been spotted along the Southwest region of New Mexico and Arizona to warrant such action."
Um... Am I missing something, or isn't the fact that "too few of the rare cats have been spotted" the reason why these pussies need protection. The article goes on to say that the real reason the plan was scrapped was that it would interfere with the border fence being built along the protected area. (Click here to read the full article)
Well this just goes to show how stupid the Interior Department is. I'm totally against all the immigration protests, and fences and shit since I just think it's a political way to justify being racist against Mexicans (after all my name is Pedro), however, they really are missing the advantage here.
Instead of a fence, why not a wild pack of man-eating jaguars- that'll stop the damn immigrants!

Working with a Stiff One

2008-01-18T13:12:00.000-05:00

So we all know Lindsay Lohan knows her way around a stiffy- but this brings it to a whole new level.

The Associated Press is reporting that as part of her punishment for driving drunk (in addition to 84 minutes of jail time), Lindsay will work 8 hours at a morgue. Read below:

"Fri Jan 18, 8:25 AM ET

"LOS ANGELES - Lindsay Lohan is about to see dead people.

The 21-year-old actress will soon be working at a morgue as part of her punishment for misdemeanor drunken driving, her attorney, Blair Berk, told a judge Thursday.

She has also spent two months in rehabilitation and has done some community service, Berk said at a hearing on her progress toward fulfilling the terms of her plea bargain.

Her two four-hour days at the morgue are part of a court-ordered program to show drivers the real-life consequences of drinking and driving. She must also spend two days working in a hospital emergency room.

Lohan was arrested twice last year on DUI charges and pleaded guilty in August to misdemeanor drunken driving and cocaine charges. She has already served 84 minutes in jail as part of the plea deal."

This seems like a good idea on paper, but I question how effective it is for someone who has been convicted of numerous DUI's. EVERYONE knows how dangerous driving drunk is- and in my opinion people who drive drunk just don't give a shit. I don't know that seeing a dead body is going to make any difference.

I think that instead of looking at dead people they should be forced to serve more than 84 minutes in jail- and not in isolation. I have a feeling that after you wake up to your butch cellmate forcing you to eat her coochie while threatening you with a knife made from toothbrush, you will think twice about driving drunk again.

Don't Go Chasing Waterfalls...

2008-01-18T13:02:00.000-05:00

Unless of course you live in NYC!!!!

"Four giant waterfalls will be erected in New York for three months this summer in a public art project city officials hope will create $55 million in extra tourism revenue for the Big Apple. The waterfalls, including one that will fall from the famed Brooklyn Bridge, are the brainchild of Eliasson. They will cost $15 million, to be funded by private donations to New York's Public Art Fund. (Olafur Eliasson- Courtesy Public Art Fund/Handout/Reuters)"

I actually think this is really cool- and probably the best use of $15 million dollars. I'm not being sarcastic. With Bush on the TV telling us that we're entering a recession without actually using the word "recession", art funding and spending is usually the first to go. So it's nice to see that private funds are still available to bring really cool public art.

Now if they projected this video behind the waterfall it would be even that much more brilliant:

Mary, Is That You??

2008-01-18T12:35:00.000-05:00

So I know that these pictures are old, but I recently saw the film Paris, Je T'aime, and while it was fugged-up with the mug of Maggie Gyllenhal, the appearance of Miss Portman made up for it, and it just reminded me of how much I love her, so I'd like to share my love with you. (But seriously, I HIGHLY recommend that EVERYONE rent this film, which is a collection of short films. The last story about a middle-aged single woman from Denver experiencing a joyous but lonely trip to Paris creates a stirring in the dark abscess of my soul everytime I think about it.)

Look at these pictures below from New York Time Magazine Holiday edition, and tell me this woman isn't worth going straight or lesbian for:

Seriously, she looks like an angel that Mary had banished from Heaven because she was jealous of all her beauty and shit. You know there's only room for one hot bitch up there and Mary wasn't about to share the spotlight with Nattie- but that's okay Natalie, we love you here on Earth.

Gays in the Oval Office

2008-01-18T12:19:00.000-05:00

Yay- there's a Gay in the Oval Office!!!!!!

Well at least on Broadway.

Nathan Lane stars as incumbent president Charles H.P. Smith in the David Mamet play, November , which opened last night at the Ethel Barrymore Theater.

November also stars one of my favorite women from television- Laurie Metcalfe, you know, Jackie from Roseanne.

Congrats!!!!! (also- I suggest going to the website for this- it's super cute- click on the link above).

Priority Seating

2008-01-18T11:56:00.000-05:00

So recently a friend and I were discussing the pros and cons of dating an older man- you know- they have more money, they're more mature, and there is definitely something sexy about a man who has already paid off his mortgage. More money to spend on me!!!

Well she didn't agree with me so much and I sort of felt like I was loosing the debate so I quickly thought of the perfect example of an older man to shut her up- Bruce Willis!!!!!- I totally had her- he's sexy, fun, young at heart, and he can fight terrorists and shit should I ever run into that problem.

Well after looking at this picture below I realized how right my friend was:

I mean it looks as if old Bruce-y boy is having a bit of a hard time bending over to pick up that paper on the floor- and if he's having a hard time doing that- well then you know he's going to have a hard time doing other things...like the Hokey Pokey.

But seriously this picture is just a reminder that while there is a brief moment of hotness in the older man, it's dad jeans, bad sneakers, and ass wiping from there on in.

Star Light, Star Bright...

2008-01-17T23:08:00.000-05:00

... Kate's Face Gives Me the Frights.

Kate Moss was out and about last night celebrating her 34th birthday. According to the Daily Mail, Kate had planned to celebrate with 34 hours of partying, one for each hour she's been alive.

Well... bitch is showing her age, because she failed. The hag crashed after a mere 18 hours of partying- amateur!

Maroon Douche

2008-01-17T23:00:00.000-05:00

Adam Levine and his back-up band was on TRL the other day (or was it today)- and I'm glad that I decided early on that I hated him for being a douche bag.

Seriously- every time I see this guy I can't get over what big a douche he is. He reminds me of those kids you knew in high-school and college who weren't able to pull off the jock thing, so instead they picked up a guitar in hopes that they would get some pussey.

Here's a photo of Adam looking like he just took a monster cock up his ass- Owwww:

Free At Last

2008-01-17T22:48:00.000-05:00

Well, almost.

Kiefer Sutherland is rumored to be released from prison after the coming weekend.

You know this bitch was taking it in prison left and right- "Yeah, Take That Jack Bauer"- but that's okay Kiefer, you can come to me, I'll protect you. And by protect I mean molest- you can bring Chloe along to watch.

Goth Christmas

2008-01-17T21:41:00.000-05:00

So Blake Lively is SUPER CUTE. She's young and energetic, and has not yet showed me her vagina lips- so I love her.

However the following picture concerns me:

I'm not sure I really understand what is going on here- she looks like she's about to perform in the Christmas Party number of the Nutcracker, and her character is that of an extremely young seductress widow.
The bottom of this dress looks as if it used to be the Christmas Tree skirt at the Addam's Family Mansion, and the top- well, it looks like it took inspiration from the gorilla costumes in the musical mess Tarzan- see what I mean:

It's like a furry bolero/ shrug/ bra kind of thing.

It's okay Blake, I'll cut you some slack- you're wearing what appears to be Chanel at a Chanel event- I can't blame you for looking ridiculous- it's part of the whole Chanel package- but next time, maybe stick to just the jewelry.

Zapatos!

2008-01-17T21:09:00.000-05:00

Selma Hayek is hot, hot, hot- and here she is being hot with Edmundo Castillo, the shoe designer, at the Sergio Rossi store opening in Beverly Hills last night.

Seriously- this woman is what all women should try to be like. She's Spanish, and sexy, and giving me the eyes as if to say, "Yes chico, I know he's wearing white sneakers with a black suit, but a chica's gotta do what a chica's gotta do, and right now I gotta pose with Edmundo Castillo so momma can get me some free shoes."

I hear you Selma, a millionaire can't possibly be expected to pay for their own shit.

So You Want To Be A Star?

2008-01-17T20:49:00.000-05:00

Well, Good luck to you.

But if you want to be a Broadway singer, well then here's your chance to sing crappy music for a few months and then never work again!!!!!

Auditions are taking place and Megan Dowd is casting for the next Elle Woods in the Broadway Musical, Legally Blonde: The Musical:

"Competition TV show for the lead role of Elle Woods in Broadway's hit 'Legally Blonde The Musical'. Contestants must be available to film for approx. 4 weeks in mid-February through mid-March. LOS ANGELES Thursday, January 24th, 2008 10:00am-4:00pm (Callbacks for successful candidates will be held on January 25) Millennium Dance Complex 5113 Lankershim Blvd. North Hollywood, CA 91601 www.millenniumdancecomplex.com CHICAGO Monday, January 28th, 2008 10:00am-4:00pm (Callbacks for successful candidates will be held on January 29) Victory Gardens Biograph Theater 2433 N. Lincoln Ave. Chicago, IL 60614 www.victorygardens.org ORLANDO Monday, January 28th, 2008 9:00am-4:00pm (Callbacks for successful candidates will be held on January 29) New Dimensions Dance Company 824 Executive Drive Oviedo, FL 32765 NEW YORK Monday, February 4th, 2008 10:00am-4:00pm (Callbacks for successful candidates will be held on February 5th) New World Stages 340 West 50th Street, Stage 1 New York, NY 10019 www.newworldstages.com NASHVILLE Monday, February 4th, 2008 10:00am-4:00pm (Callbacks for successful candidates will be held on February 5th) Nashville Dinner Theater 108 Donelson Pike Nashville, TN 37214 www.nashvilledinnertheater.com

Seeking females, 18+ (who can convincingly portray someone who is 18-30) with strong vocal, acting, and dancing skills to compete for the lead role of Elle Woods in the Broadway show, Legally Blonde The Musical. Musical theater experience is a plus but not required. If chosen to participate, professionals will train you, so raw talent welcome. If you have the performing fundamentals and a big personality, we want to meet you! Must be legally able to work in the US and available mid-February through mid-March. We do not discriminate against non-blondes; blondes, brunettes and red heads are all welcome!"

Now girls, I've seen this shit on MTV- and you don't need strong vocal, acting, or dancing skills- in fact the worse you are- the better chances you probably have of getting the role.

But What About All My Porn?

2008-01-17T19:42:00.001-05:00

AP News is reporting that Time Warner is going to start linking Internet usage with their prices! What does this mean, I'm not so sure, so let's read the article together.

Thu Jan 17, 1:53 PM ET

NEW YORK - Time Warner Cable will experiment with a new pricing structure for high-speed Internet access later this year, charging customers based on how much data they download, a company spokesman said Wednesday.

The company, the second-largest cable provider in the United States, will start a trial in Beaumont, Texas, in which it will sell new Internet customers tiered levels of service based on how much data they download per month, rather than the usual fixed-price packages with unlimited downloads.

Company spokesman Alex Dudley said the trial was aimed at improving the network performance by making it more costly for heavy users of large downloads. Dudley said that a small group of super-heavy users of downloads, around 5 percent of the customer base, can account for up to 50 percent of network capacity.

Dudley said he did not know what the pricing tiers would be nor the download limits. He said the heavy users were likely using the network to download large amounts of video, most likely in high definition.

It was not clear when exactly the trial would begin, but Dudley said it would likely be around the second quarter. The tiered pricing would only affect new customers in Beaumont, not existing ones.

Time Warner Cable is a subsidiary of Time Warner Inc., the world's largest media company. "

Does this mean I'm going to have to pay more to download porn??? I don't like this at all, nope, not at all.

Time Warner is scary- they totally have a monopoly on all cable and Internet service here in NYC. And with that being said, I love you Time Warner- please don't accidentally turn off my cable during Rock of Love?!?!

Christian Cook-a-loo

2008-01-17T19:21:00.000-05:00

So, more often than not, we get to hear the crazy rantings of the Christian Cook-a-loo. What's a Christian Cook-a-loo you ask? Why it's a breed of Christians who believe the craziest shit in the world- and won't stop until you all believe it too.

Meet Christian Cook-a-loo, Joe Taylor:

Now in addition to being a print model, Joe Taylor is the director and curator of the Mt. Blanco Fossil Museum. Sounds smart, right? Wrong! He'S a CHRISTIAN COOK-A-LOO people, and NOTHING they say is ever smart.

Joe Taylor founded his museum to "show you why we do not believe that the evolution theory or the millions of years concept is good science".

Well what does Taylor believe- that humans and dinosaurs lived together, in fact, he claims Noah even took one on that little cruise of his.

Joe Taylor is currently in need of some money to support his museum (what no government grants??- this is Texas for crying-out-loud- don't they actually teach this shit down there?), so he's selling the skull of a mastodon in hopes it will raise some money to keep his institution of knowledge open.

I have some advice for Joe, call up Tom Cruise and tell him it's the skull of some ancient alien- he'll totally buy it for like a million dollars.

I say we're better off giving our money to hookers rather than this fool. I mean that's what Jesus would do, right?

These Two Again?

2008-01-17T18:11:00.000-05:00

Will it NEVER end?

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is out there again, bitching to anyone who will listen that "President Bush sent a 'message of confrontation' during his recent Mideast trip" (click here for the full article).

Well what does Bush have to say in response? Well nothing. I mean what can he say? It's not like he wasn't all over the mid-east trying to be everyone's bestie and not Iran's. Well good luck with that Bush- you're fun for a few moments- a keg stand or what not- but you ain't no best friend material.

Seriously- if it's not one thing it's another with these two. They need to just have sex with each other and get over it. Maybe then they wouldn't be down each other's throats all the time (except of course for their tongues and penises).

I think they make a handsome couple actually if you're into that older man/ world domination sort of thing.

Chris Crocker- Is that You???

2008-01-17T14:32:00.000-05:00

ET Online had a chance to sit down with the Gay Aiken, who is currently starring on Broadway in the craptacular musical Spamalot. Now I dislike Clay Aiken for a few reasons- mainly that his face gives me the total and absolute creeps. I mean, didn't anyone notice that before he transformed into looking like a lesbian, he used to have this alien, almost translucent quality to his skin and purple lips? Something is not right. The other reason I hate him is that his music sucks ass and he's sort of nasty and bitchy all the time. I mean if I was as ugly and troll like as him- I would be so nice to everyone so that they wouldn't hate me based on my bad looks.

Anyway, ET grilled Clay on all the hard issues, and no, I don't mean his private collection of dildos, I mean Britney Spears! Well what did Mr. Aiken have to say??????????

"We have a presidential election going on, and for whatever reason this is what people are interested in. I think that is probably the saddest thing. Leave her alone, just leave her alone."

How insightful- and who are you voting for Clay? Senator Larry Craig?

I really don't know why people defend her, and the last line of his answer was so Chris Crocker that I can only imagine this interview as haven taken place under his bed sheets with his mascara all runny, screaming "Leave her alone, JUST LEAVE HER ALONE."

What would you do if you found Clay under your covers?

Another Bad Idea Coming to Broadway

2008-01-17T14:13:00.001-05:00

So earlier in the day I posted some shit about Shrek coming to Broadway and how I wasn't sure if it would work- and that there are too many movie turned musicals already- and they all suck.

Well let's add this gem to the bunch:

REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES, A MUSICAL (workshop): "This is a musical version of the award-winning stage play and feature film, REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES. This workshop presentation is specifically for New York investors and other interested parties toward the end of a full production in 2009."

Just a note to New York investors- SAVE YOUR MONEY- THERE'S A RECESSION A'COMIN'!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously- this is so fucking stupid- I know that there are probably about a million original ideas out there- so why do we have to recycle everything. Now- I'm not dissing the movie (the struggle of the Big Girl will always have a sincere place in my heart)- but I am dissing the lack of creativity out there.

Here's the current team for this mess:

Producer: Marilyn R. Atlas
Writer: Josefina Lopez
Director: Corky Dominguez
Composer: Joseph Julian Gonzalez

One Step Closer To My Dream

2008-01-17T13:32:00.000-05:00

According AP, scientists in California have produced human embryos that are clones from two men!!!!

NEW YORK - Scientists in California say they have produced embryos that are clones of two men, a potential step toward developing scientifically valuable stem cells

The new report documents embryos made with ordinary skin cells. But it's not the first time human cloned embryos have been made. In 2005, for example, scientists in Britain reported using embryonic stem cells to produce a cloned embryo. It matured enough to produce stem cells, but none were extracted.

Stem cells weren't produced by the new embryos either, and because of that, experts reacted coolly to the research.

"I found it difficult to determine what was substantially new," said Doug Melton of the Harvard Stem Cell Institute. He said the "next big advance will be to create a human embryonic stem cell line" from cloned embryos. "This has yet to be achieved."

Dr. George Daley of the Harvard institute and Children's Hospital Boston called the new report interesting but agreed that "the real splash" will be when somebody creates stem cell lines from cloned human embryos.

"It's only a matter of time before some group succeeds," Daley said. (click here for full article)

This is all controversial and shit-but for me it's one step closer to my dream of having my own clone. Now, I know people think this is wrong and shit and that we're playing God (which I'm okay with, seriously, I think I could have done a better job than God anyway), but I think this is the most awesome thing since Entenmann's Holiday Cup Cakes. Why you ask? Well a clone means you can basically do anything to your body and when it starts to crap out on you- you can just borrow from the clone.

For example- I can smoke pot all day long- and when my lungs are shot- I'll just take a new healthy pair from my clone. If I drink until my liver falls out of my ass- I'll just pop in my spare. Should my brain finally turn to rot and ooze out of my nose and ears from watching all that TV- I'll just insert a new one. If my balls dry up from my chronic masturbating- I'll just tie on a new set. See people- we shouldn't be scared of clones- we should embrace them.

Now if only they would manufacture my robot double so it can go to work for me and make money for me and then spend the night in my closet, a la Vicki the Robot, then I'd be a happy happy man.

Call Me!!!!!

2008-01-17T13:17:00.000-05:00

Let me be upfront about it. I have nothing to hide. I love American Idol. I think it's stupidly fun and I love hearing people sing. Plus I like to pretend that maybe one day I'll be able to sing and then I'll audition- and Simon will be like "you're really really cool- the coolest person to ever come to American Idol, Welcome to Hollywood"; and then I would be all happy and go into the lobby and hug Ryan Seacrest and give him a hard on with all the man on man hugging going on. Ahh- to dream.

Well anyway- we're two episodes in- and I think I found my favorite contestant so far- Bruce- now he didn't make it to LA- which is a shame- but that's okay Bruce, because you can always come to NYC and worship the Idol in my pants (ok- that makes no sense). Oh, also- Bruce is a Virgin, and not only is he a Virgin- he also has NEVER KISSED A GIRL.... and he's like 19. Enjoy:

Now I have to admit, I sort of think this Bruce kid is hot, but that key and heart locket shit he has with his Dad is totally creepy- you know he hasn't kissed a girl because he's too busy kissing his dad. Ewwwwwwwwwwww. But seriously- isn't that shit only for people like Jessica Simpson and her dad????

Bruce- LISTEN TO ME!!!! Run away from your dad, throw away that necklace, and go and get yourself an STD already. A man hasn't lived until he experiences burning pain when he pees. Why bother giving your wife some cheap ass necklace when you can give her Gonorrhea.

It's a Bird, It's a Plane, It's....

2008-01-17T13:00:00.000-05:00

...Lindsay Lohan and her flammable hair doing her best Wonder Woman pose.

Lindsay Lohan made her way to the Cloverfield premiere and hammed it up all over the red carpet.
Was she in the movie? No- we all know bitch doesn't make movies anymore. She was just there to show off her fake hair and orange face- which is about six shades more orange than her body (and is it just me or is it also really splotchy with orange- like she was making out with one of the extras from Willy Wonka II, and he got his orange make-up all over her face). Will someone please tell this girl to go back to her natural red hair- she looks like someone scalped a My Size Barbie and then sewed it onto her head.

If I was one of the other actresses in this movie- I would have beat this bitch down for stealing the spotlight.

Quick- Hide Your Crack Pipes

2008-01-17T12:39:00.000-05:00

Warning! Warning!
Hide all Coke, Crack, Baby Powder,Baking Soda, Ajax, Whatever.
Amy Winehouse is coming to America and she's ready to snort anything in her way!

According to EW.com the Grammy's are expected to go on with or without WGA Approval- and none other than Miss Amy Winehouse is expected to be in attendance. Of course it's unknown whether or not Winehouse will perform- but who really cares- I'm just excited that she's taking the mess of a show that is her life on the road.

It was touch and go for a while as to whether Amy would be allowed in the country, given her history of drugs and arrest- but since this is America- her Visa was approved and Winehouse is free to terrorize the states!

You know Britney is PISSED that Amy's bringing her shit to America. Britney owns crazy this side of the Atlantic. Be prepared for some nutty celebrity hijinx the week of the Grammy's

I wish they would allow Blake to come into the country too so we can get the full effect- like a prisoner exchange program or something- but alas- it doesn't look like my wishes will come true.

Shrek on Broadway

2008-01-17T12:22:00.000-05:00

So I love me some theater- and let's be honest- most people couldn't give a crap- but it's sort of a shitty life working in the theater since you are usually underpaid and except for some crazy gay men, no one really cares about you- so I'm going to make an effort to include theater news and gossip and shit on this page for all you theater geeks.

Enjoy:

From Playbill.com:
"Shrek The Musical, based on the William Steig book and the DreamWorks film, will arrive on Broadway in November 2008 following an out-of-town tryout.

Shrek will make its world premiere at The 5th Avenue Theatre. The musical will play the Seattle venue August 14-Sept. 21. The production will then head to Broadway for a November debut at a theatre to be announced.

The musical features book and lyrics by Pulitzer Prize winner David Lindsay-Abaire and music by Jeanine Tesori. Avenue Q's Jason Moore will direct. The creative team will also include set and costume designer Tim Hatley, lighting designer Hugh Vanstone, choreographer Josh Prince and music director Tim Weil."

Now- I have some mixed feelings about how this is all supposed to work on stage- and my gut tells me much like The Little Mermaid, Tarzan, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, Legally Blonde, High Fidelity, The Wedding Singer, and whatever other movie to musicals were created- this will suck and be a complete waste of money.

I hope I'm wrong since Jeanine Tesori is amazing and my FAVORITE composer in theater today (seriously- check out the score for Caroline, or Change- sick!!).

Which actress do you think should play Fiona when she's in ogre form?

People Actually Eat There???

2008-01-17T12:09:00.000-05:00

"Diane Keaton was spotted Tuesday night eating at Michael Jordan's The Steak House in Grand Central Terminal, making a tableful of friends laugh." (nydailynews- gatecrasher).

Now- first of all I'm pretty sure she wasn't making a tableful of friends laugh- but rather they were just laughing at her. This woman is looney tunes- like crazy menopause hormonally unbalanced looney. I mean why else would you eat at Grand Central Terminal?????? That's like going to Olive Garden in Times Square.

Can't a Ho Get a Break?

2008-01-17T11:34:00.000-05:00

So the Daily New's Rush & Molloy are apparently reporting that Sienna Miller might have been the cause of the Penn/ Wright break-up.

A source claims that:
" 'Sienna was sitting on Sean's lap,' according the source. 'She was dressed very sexily. She had her arm around his neck.' That night, claims the source, they stayed up quite late."- Is this really grounds for divorce? A grounding, yes, but a divorce- I'm not so sure.

Now I love Sienna Miller- I don't know that I've actually seen her in many movies- but I feel like this is the third, fourth, hundreth celebrity marriage that this slag has allegedly broken up- and since I think marriage is a scam- I love Sienna for constantly destroying the sanctity of that bond.

Also- I love that she dresses like a patient in the mental ward playing dress-up during free time, but that's another story.

Now- Sienna- if you're listening- do you think you could slut it up with the dude that Katherine Heigl married- that cow doesn't deserve happiness. Thanks.

Here's an old photo of Sienna in my FAVORITE ensemble of hers to date:

Beam Him Up, PLEASE.

2008-01-17T11:07:00.000-05:00

So below is just one of the videos that shows how absolutely nuts Tom Cruise is- and how crazy Scientologists really are (I mean listen to the applause this elf gets).

Now- I think my favorite part of the video is where Tommy salutes the photo of L. Ron- and when he thanks the audience for their trust and confidence in him. You know these people have really lost it if they're putting their faith and trust in a not fully developed human. This man is part elf, part alien, and ALL CRAZY.

Personally- I don't think it's a coincidence that these videos are coming out now all over the web- I think that this is part of some Scientology scheme to take over the universe, and that there is some crazy subliminal/ brainwashing shit going on in these videos. Before we know it we'll all be talking about our thetan and building space ships and shit.

Item of the Moment

2008-01-17T09:56:00.000-05:00

So I love getting things- I love expensive things, I love cheap things, I love medium priced things- basically if you're giving me something- I love it- even if only just for that moment.

Well- I know that for every person who likes to get things, there is a person who likes to give things- and so I'm starting with my first- Item of the Moment post. This is the item that I desperately need/ want/ covet for the moment- and will happily accept as a gift for those of you who haven't fulfilled you need to give.

And so I present to you:

Black Sheep & Prodigal Son

Golden Jaw

$3,250.00

24k gold micron plated bronze human jaw (micron means a thicker more durable coating than usual plating). Heat resistant coating. Stamped collaborative logo with hand-set natural black diamond. Bottom engraved with signature and edition number. Handcrafted in NYC.

Now- I don't know what I would do with a gold jaw- but it's shiny and cool and expensive- and if there are any grandma's with no grand-kids, or rich folks who are lonely, or just someone who wants to make a boy happy- buy this for me- I swear- I won't mind.

Thanks,

Pedro

What, No EVOO?

2008-01-17T09:27:00.001-05:00

New York Magazine is reporting that Rachel Ray is a bitch. Well that's not really what they are reporting- but I can't stand her loud ass (read below):

"So a friend of mine was on set last week as Rachael Ray filmed her latest Dunkin' Donuts commercial. According to her, Rachael stormed onto the set and snapped at everyone. Not news, I know, everyone knows she's actually a gigantic asshole. BUT! I am also told she took one sip of her Dunkin' Donuts coffee, yelled “What is this shit? Get me MY coffee,” and would not continue until she was given “her” coffee — i.e., Starbucks."

Personally I think that someone should have thrown that coffee in her face (after they make sure it's extra hot). I love how people think that they're all sophisticated and high class and connoisseurs of good taste and shit for only drinking Starbucks- Dunkin' Donuts is totally the best (well not really), but if they want to hire me to do their commercials- I'll do it and I'll also always be drinking DD coffee. Seriously though- they should hire me- I have the same kind of voice that Rachel has- you know, it's all raspy and shit from cigarettes and cum.

Hopefully this means that she won't be assaulting our TV screens with anymore DD commercials- god I hate those.

Why bother?

2008-01-16T23:55:00.000-05:00

I don't know who this fool is- but he must be stopped.

This little Queen's queen (I mean seriously- isn't that the best NYC gay accent- click here to watch the TMZ video) was hanging out at JFK airport- and not to visit the glory hole in the men's bathroom. He was there to meet his favorite star Katherine Heigl (kill me) and give her some anti-smoking shit, which leads me to ask... WHY? Let the hag smoke- the sooner her skin starts to sag and teeth turn brown the sooner we get her off of the TV/Movie Screen.

Really?

2008-01-16T23:44:00.000-05:00

Has anyone seen this ad on all of their favorite blogs?

This has to be about the worst case of photoshop on the net- especially since they're trying to make her look older. Shit this doesn't even look like photoshop- it looks like somone drew lines on the bitches face with eye liner.

I'm obsessed with keeping lines off of my face- but really I should probably just draw lines it. That way I can erase them as I get older. Brilliant!

Just for me

2008-01-16T22:36:00.000-05:00

So if you don't live in NYC, then you haven't seen this commercial for The Grand Prospect Hall in Brooklyn.

Notice the taste, sophistication, and class. Now- I love this commercial because it is everything I grew up with being a Borough kid myself. My particular favorite is the owner's wife- she looks like a giant head with black holes where her eyes, nose and mouth would be. It's almost like a bowling ball face- I just want to stick my fingers in her face openings and roll that head to a strike!!!! Also I love the skank in the white dress trying to act as if she's this classy lady and not some skank who met her husband sucking dick on the corner of the street in Bay Ridge.

Now- if you enjoy the commercial as much as I do (you need serious help)- then you will love this vintage commercial for Grand Prospect Hall from the 1980s- some things just are timeless.

But what about Trouble?

2008-01-16T22:15:00.000-05:00

So Christie's Auction House in NYC is auctioning off some of the Queen of Mean's (Leona Helmsley) possessions.

This is the same dame that left like billions of dollars to her crazy ass dog- Trouble. Which leads me to ask... Is Trouble getting a piece of this action?

If I was the caretaker/ lawyer/ publicist or whatever that dog has- I would be barking for piece of the cash that this auction gains. Lord, the dog needs all that money if he had to live with that beauty queen- it's only fair compensation.

So The World Hates You...

2008-01-16T20:22:00.000-05:00

.... and it hates me to.

I recently got a call from a friend whom I don't speak to regularly since she's sort of cunty and bossy- but I know how much she enjoys talking to me- so being the humanitarian that I am- I sacrificed my time and answered the cow's call.

She's the kind of bitch who's always asking what you're up to- and the kind of person who won't except masturbating and eating as an acceptable answer. So you know, I like to make up lies to end a conversation and told the girl I was starting a blog.

BIG MISTAKE!!!

Boy did the bitch have questions- What was it about? When can she read it? Will is discuss world issues? The Arts? What? What? What???????? She's the kind of girl who reads the New York Times and tries to talk about articles at dinner just to prove she is smart and shit. Well I sort of started to hate her- and I told her that it was about the world and how it hates you. She laughed since I'm her weird arty friend and thought it was a joke- but it's not.

Megan:

So The World Hates You dedicates this inaugural post to you- without your annoying questions, poking, and prodding- I never would have created this blog dedicated to all that goes on in my little brain. And yes, my brain is very little and only has the capacity for the following: TV, Food, Gossip, Masturbation, Weirdness, Pets, and maybe a book or two (and by book I mean like Vogue or W or some shit like that during September when the magazine weighs like 30 pounds and shit).

Thanks,

Pedro