This Has Xenu Written All Over It!

Okay, so this is some Hollywood sci-fi disaster shit. So, some of you may know that I have a secret obsession with asteroids and space debris, and the idea that an asteroid can come and hit earth and totally destroy us all, and how much that would suck, and if I knew that this was going to happen, what would I do with myself? Would I go home to my family? Would I go out and try to get laid as much as possible? Would I be constantly high on drugs all the time? No. Yes. and Yes. Also, I would probably adopt a bunch of dogs from the pound and treat them to the best few months, weeks, days of their lives and shit. You know, since I really have a soft spot in my heart for pound dogs and all. It would probably be amazing moment in my life actually.

So, with that said, I've been paying some attention to this rogue satellite that has fallen out of orbit and is currently speeding towards Earth. Yikes, right? Well the articles I first read ensured they were tracking it, it wouldn't be a big deal, blah blah blach. Until today. People, this satellite is heading to earth and it's ready to strike North America sometime in February and March. Read below:

"The U.S. military is developing contingency plans to deal with the possibility that a large spy satellite expected to fall to Earth in late February or early March could hit North America.
Air Force Gen. Gene Renuart, who heads of U.S. Northern Command, told The Associated Press on Tuesday that the size of the satellite suggests that some number of pieces will not burn up as the orbiting vehicle re-enters the Earth's atmosphere and will hit the ground.
"We're aware that this satellite is out there," Renuart said. "We're aware it is a fairly substantial size. And we know there is at least some percentage that it could land on ground as opposed to in the water."
A U.S. official confirmed that the spy satellite is designated by the military as US 193. It was launched in December 2006 but almost immediately lost power and cannot be controlled. It carried a sophisticated and secret imaging sensor but the satellite's central computer failed shortly after launch. The official spoke on condition of anonymity because the information is classified as secret.
Renuart added that, "As it looks like it might re-enter into the North American area," then the U.S. military along with the Homeland Security Department and the Federal Emergency Management Agency will either have to deal with the impact or assist Canadian or Mexican authorities. Military agencies, he said, are doing an analysis to determine which pieces most likely would survive re-entry. But he cautioned that officials won't have much detail on where or when it will crash until it begins to move through the atmosphere and break up.
Renuart added that there does not as yet appear to be much concern about sensitive technologies on the satellite falling into enemy hands.
"I'm not aware that we have a security issue," he said. "It's really just a big thing falling on the ground that we want to make sure we're prepared for." The satellite includes some small engines that contain a toxic chemical called hydrazine — which is rocket fuel. But Renuart said they are not large booster engines with substantial amounts of fuel." (read full story here)

Quick- Call Will Smith! Call Ben Affleck! Call Bruce Willis! They will know what to do. Actually, does Will Smith have any asteroid/ rogue satellite experience? I suppose it doesn't matter. Whatever space experience he does have should hopefully come in handy.

Seriously, if this comes crashing down on NYC I'll be pissed. I blame the Republicans or Scientologists for this. Don't ask me why, but they both seem like good targets for blame. Figures a spy satellite shot up into space under this administration is destined for failure and ready to bite America back in the ass.

All I have to say is that come late february/ early march I won't be anywhere without a helmet on my head and an umbrella. What? You can never be too cautious people.