This Has Xenu Written All Over It!

Okay, so this is some Hollywood sci-fi disaster shit. So, some of you may know that I have a secret obsession with asteroids and space debris, and the idea that an asteroid can come and hit earth and totally destroy us all, and how much that would suck, and if I knew that this was going to happen, what would I do with myself? Would I go home to my family? Would I go out and try to get laid as much as possible? Would I be constantly high on drugs all the time? No. Yes. and Yes. Also, I would probably adopt a bunch of dogs from the pound and treat them to the best few months, weeks, days of their lives and shit. You know, since I really have a soft spot in my heart for pound dogs and all. It would probably be amazing moment in my life actually.

So, with that said, I've been paying some attention to this rogue satellite that has fallen out of orbit and is currently speeding towards Earth. Yikes, right? Well the articles I first read ensured they were tracking it, it wouldn't be a big deal, blah blah blach. Until today. People, this satellite is heading to earth and it's ready to strike North America sometime in February and March. Read below:

"The U.S. military is developing contingency plans to deal with the possibility that a large spy satellite expected to fall to Earth in late February or early March could hit North America.
Air Force Gen. Gene Renuart, who heads of U.S. Northern Command, told The Associated Press on Tuesday that the size of the satellite suggests that some number of pieces will not burn up as the orbiting vehicle re-enters the Earth's atmosphere and will hit the ground.
"We're aware that this satellite is out there," Renuart said. "We're aware it is a fairly substantial size. And we know there is at least some percentage that it could land on ground as opposed to in the water."
A U.S. official confirmed that the spy satellite is designated by the military as US 193. It was launched in December 2006 but almost immediately lost power and cannot be controlled. It carried a sophisticated and secret imaging sensor but the satellite's central computer failed shortly after launch. The official spoke on condition of anonymity because the information is classified as secret.
Renuart added that, "As it looks like it might re-enter into the North American area," then the U.S. military along with the Homeland Security Department and the Federal Emergency Management Agency will either have to deal with the impact or assist Canadian or Mexican authorities. Military agencies, he said, are doing an analysis to determine which pieces most likely would survive re-entry. But he cautioned that officials won't have much detail on where or when it will crash until it begins to move through the atmosphere and break up.
Renuart added that there does not as yet appear to be much concern about sensitive technologies on the satellite falling into enemy hands.
"I'm not aware that we have a security issue," he said. "It's really just a big thing falling on the ground that we want to make sure we're prepared for." The satellite includes some small engines that contain a toxic chemical called hydrazine — which is rocket fuel. But Renuart said they are not large booster engines with substantial amounts of fuel." (read full story here)

Quick- Call Will Smith! Call Ben Affleck! Call Bruce Willis! They will know what to do. Actually, does Will Smith have any asteroid/ rogue satellite experience? I suppose it doesn't matter. Whatever space experience he does have should hopefully come in handy.

Seriously, if this comes crashing down on NYC I'll be pissed. I blame the Republicans or Scientologists for this. Don't ask me why, but they both seem like good targets for blame. Figures a spy satellite shot up into space under this administration is destined for failure and ready to bite America back in the ass.

All I have to say is that come late february/ early march I won't be anywhere without a helmet on my head and an umbrella. What? You can never be too cautious people.

Tom Cruise Has His on Pre-Order

"British billionaire Richard Branson, left, and the aerospace designer Burt Rutan unveil a model of SpaceShipTwo, the vehicle they hope will be able to take passengers on suborbital joy-rides, just for the fun of it, with test flights beginning as soon as this year, during a news conference in New York, Wednesday, Jan. 23, 2008. At top is a model of White Knight Two, the mothership for Space Ship Two, which is now under construction at a hangar in the Mojave Desert." (Associated Press)

This is maybe the most awesome thing I've EVER read. This is what the motherfucking 21st century should be about people. Seriously, if the 20th century brought us automobiles, and airplanes, and computers and shit, then the 21st century should be all about space travel, robots, clones, beam-me-up-scottie shit, and a whole bunch more. Seriously, if we went from horse-and-buggy shit in the beginning over the 20th century to space-travel and airplanes and shit at the end of it- think where we can go from here.

Item of the Moment

Okay, so I know just yesterday I was all googoo gaagaa over this electronic bubble wrap shit. But this new toy from Japan totally kicks the electronic bubble wraps ass and has won it's place as my Item of the Moment.

I introduce to you the Ame no Wataame- it's a Japanese cotton candy maker that makes cotton candy from candy!!!! See the video demonstration below:


Make cotton candy from real candy? Yes! Ame de Wataame from Japan from JapanTrendShop on Vimeo.

Now I bet you the cotton candy she's eating is from some sort of shrimp candy- but still- I need this shit STAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I mean, for the unfortunate few that know me, you all know that I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE candy. I eat tons of candy and am always looking for the next best thing- and I think this is it.

I mean can you imagine cotton candy from say Sour Patch Kids, or Starbursts, or Sour Skittles, or Tropical Skittles, or Original Skittles, or Sour Power Straws, or Gummi Bears, or Nerds, or Sweet Tarts, or Smarties, or Fun Dip, or Pez, or Baby Bottle Pops, or Sweedish Fish, or Ring Pops, or Push Pops, or Blow Pops, or Pop Rocks, or Twizzlers, or Dots, or Mentos, or Fruit by the Foot, or Laffy Taffy, or WarHeads, or Mega WarHeads or Lemon Heads, or Cry Babies, or Sour Patch Kids, or Red Vines, or Red Hots, or Jolly Rancher, or Now n Later, or Gobstoppers, or Spree, or Chewy Spree, or Runts, or Pixie Stix, or Airheads, or Soda Bottle Pops, or....ARGGGHHHHHH, the possibilities are endless, my head is going to explode!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whew, all right now, I'm composed.

Seriously though- someone please buy this for me.

Thanks.

But What About All My Porn?

AP News is reporting that Time Warner is going to start linking Internet usage with their prices! What does this mean, I'm not so sure, so let's read the article together.

Thu Jan 17, 1:53 PM ET

NEW YORK - Time Warner Cable will experiment with a new pricing structure for high-speed Internet access later this year, charging customers based on how much data they download, a company spokesman said Wednesday.

The company, the second-largest cable provider in the United States, will start a trial in Beaumont, Texas, in which it will sell new Internet customers tiered levels of service based on how much data they download per month, rather than the usual fixed-price packages with unlimited downloads.

Company spokesman Alex Dudley said the trial was aimed at improving the network performance by making it more costly for heavy users of large downloads. Dudley said that a small group of super-heavy users of downloads, around 5 percent of the customer base, can account for up to 50 percent of network capacity.

Dudley said he did not know what the pricing tiers would be nor the download limits. He said the heavy users were likely using the network to download large amounts of video, most likely in high definition.

It was not clear when exactly the trial would begin, but Dudley said it would likely be around the second quarter. The tiered pricing would only affect new customers in Beaumont, not existing ones.

Time Warner Cable is a subsidiary of Time Warner Inc., the world's largest media company. "

Does this mean I'm going to have to pay more to download porn??? I don't like this at all, nope, not at all.

Time Warner is scary- they totally have a monopoly on all cable and Internet service here in NYC. And with that being said, I love you Time Warner- please don't accidentally turn off my cable during Rock of Love?!?!

One Step Closer To My Dream

According AP, scientists in California have produced human embryos that are clones from two men!!!!

NEW YORK - Scientists in California say they have produced embryos that are clones of two men, a potential step toward developing scientifically valuable stem cells

The new report documents embryos made with ordinary skin cells. But it's not the first time human cloned embryos have been made. In 2005, for example, scientists in Britain reported using embryonic stem cells to produce a cloned embryo. It matured enough to produce stem cells, but none were extracted.

Stem cells weren't produced by the new embryos either, and because of that, experts reacted coolly to the research.

"I found it difficult to determine what was substantially new," said Doug Melton of the Harvard Stem Cell Institute. He said the "next big advance will be to create a human embryonic stem cell line" from cloned embryos. "This has yet to be achieved."

Dr. George Daley of the Harvard institute and Children's Hospital Boston called the new report interesting but agreed that "the real splash" will be when somebody creates stem cell lines from cloned human embryos.

"It's only a matter of time before some group succeeds," Daley said. (click here for full article)

This is all controversial and shit-but for me it's one step closer to my dream of having my own clone. Now, I know people think this is wrong and shit and that we're playing God (which I'm okay with, seriously, I think I could have done a better job than God anyway), but I think this is the most awesome thing since Entenmann's Holiday Cup Cakes. Why you ask? Well a clone means you can basically do anything to your body and when it starts to crap out on you- you can just borrow from the clone.

For example- I can smoke pot all day long- and when my lungs are shot- I'll just take a new healthy pair from my clone. If I drink until my liver falls out of my ass- I'll just pop in my spare. Should my brain finally turn to rot and ooze out of my nose and ears from watching all that TV- I'll just insert a new one. If my balls dry up from my chronic masturbating- I'll just tie on a new set. See people- we shouldn't be scared of clones- we should embrace them.

Now if only they would manufacture my robot double so it can go to work for me and make money for me and then spend the night in my closet, a la Vicki the Robot, then I'd be a happy happy man.