Call Me!

Le Drool.

OMG Ryan is sooo hot I can barely handle it. Seriously, this boy is cute cute cute. Jake Gyllen-who? Ryan Gosling is seriously the sexiest young actor out there. Look at that face. I just want to... well actually, for the sake of the lunch that you just ate, I'll leave what I want to do to my Ryan-poo a secret. For now!

Here are some more pics of Ryan being sooooooooo cute as the recipient of the Santa Barbara Film Festival Independent Award, that I'm going to explode:

How cute does he look with that trophy on his shoulder!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!

Cal-i-forn-ia Here I Come

So I consider myself a New Yorker. The idea of going to California for anything more than a vacation is maddening to me. Earthquakes! Fires! Mudslides! DRIVING! These are all things I haven't experienced, but am pretty sure I'd hate. Plus, I don't think it's right to live somewhere without a full range of seasons. HOWEVER, after reading this article, I think I might have found my reason to put all that shit behind me and pack it up ,and head out to California:

"LOS ANGELES - The city that popularized the fast food drive-thru has a new innovation: 24-hour medical marijuana vending machines.
Patients suffering from chronic pain, loss of appetite and other ailments that marijuana is said to alleviate can get their pot with a dose of convenience at the Herbal Nutrition Center, where a large machine will dole out the drug around the clock.
'Convenient access, lower prices, safety, anonymity,' inventor and owner Vincent Mehdizadeh said, extolling the benefits of the machine.
But federal drug agents say the invention may need unplugging.
'Somebody owns (it), it's on a property and somebody fills it," said DEA Special Agent Jose Martinez. "Once we find out where it's at, we'll look into it and see if they're violating laws.'" (click here to read full story)

Of course federal drug agents have to ruin everything, but still, a pot vending machine is totally awesome.
All they need to do is add a soda machine on one side and a snack vending machine on the other and it would be my dream. Actually, strike that, create an all-in-one pot, soda, and snack vending machine, and keep that shit in my building lobby- then it would be my dream!!

Someone Stop This Fool

So one of my first posts was about this queertastic fool hanging out at JFK airport to meet Katherin Heigl to give her some shit to help her quit smoking. I noted then that he had, what I call, Borough gay voice, which sort of sounds like Lea Remini, just less butch.
Well apparently this fool has nothing better to do than spend his days at the airport harassing the worst of the worst. First it was the Heigl, who I can't tolerate for even one moment.
Then it was this mess:

Unless he's trying to steal that hat away and burn it, then he shouldn't even be aknowledging this bovine.
Then it was this skank who I just posted about below:

See him in the corner. He probably gave Paris those fugly sunglasses.
And here he is with James Gandolfini:

And here he is with James Gandolfini trying to smash his face in:

And here he is with James Gandolfini ready to choke him before his publicist/lawyer/agent person stops him:

Seriously, if I was Tony Soprano, I totally would have beaten the living shit out of that kid, and that eaten him for dinner.
You need to check out the video on TMZ from where these stills were taken. I think my favorite part is not that James pulls a Bjork and almost out of nowhere kills this kid. It's how different this boy sounds when he's talking to James from how he sounded in the Katherine Heigl encounter. Talk about trying to butch it up for the straighties.

I'd Prefer If We Didn't Work Together Actually.

Ok, so don't even ask me how I came upon this video on Youtube, let's just say it was accidental. And by accidental, I mean, I discovered this freak after reading a crazy post he wrote on Broadwayworld.com (don't judge, I only read, I don't post), and am now secretly obsessed with him and his awkward and embarrassing videos. Here is a music video that I'm sure is meant to spark some idea of equality and social justice, but instead, it even makes me afraid of homos. It's soooo bad it's delicious. There are even more frightening videos, but I think this captures the overall spirit best:

Isn't this genius? I swear, it ranks up there with that Big Bibles video I posted the other day. I love the Casio Keyboard accompaniment and the fact that part of it looks as if it was shot in Astoria, which is exactly where I would expect this wanna-be theater queen to live. Those lyrics have to be the worst I've ever heard in a million years. Plus his face has this frog/fish man appearance to it, with a forehead that looks as if I could hide out under it until the rain clears. It's scary and should probably be kept under a paperbag, except on Oct. 31, the only day it should be allowed out. Perhaps he's related to Bertrand from Star Academy (see my earlier post if you don't know who I'm talking about).

Sick of seeing people from New Jersey, Staten Island, and Long Island wearing their "travel" velour jumpsuit when boarding the airplane? (Seriously, I hate when people who travel wear "travel" comfort clothes, like pj bottoms and UGGS, as if because they have to sit in a plane seat for a few hours, it suddenly becomes okay to dress like you're home watching Liftetime because it's a heavy flow day and you got serious cramps.) Well worry no more, you can now fly naked... well in Germany at least:

"FRANKFURT (Reuters) - German nudists will be able to start their holidays early by stripping off on the plane if they take up a new offer from an eastern German travel firm.
Travel agency OssiUrlaub.de said it would start taking bookings from Friday for a trial nudist day trip from the eastern German town of Erfurt to the popular Baltic Sea resort of Usedom, planned for July 5 and costing 499 euros ($735).
"It's expensive, I know," managing director Enrico Hess told Reuters by phone. "It's because the plane's very small. There's no real reason why a flight in which one flies naked should be more expensive than any other.
The 55 passengers will have to remain clothed until they board, and dress before disembarking, said Hess. The crew will remain clothed throughout the flight for safety reasons.
"I wish I could say we thought of it ourselves but the idea came from a customer," Hess told Reuters by phone. "It's an unusual gap in the market."
Naturism, or "free body culture" (FKK) as it is known in Germany, was banned by the Nazis but blossomed again after the Second World War, particularly in eastern Germany.
"There are FKK hotels where you can go into the restaurants and shops naked, for example," Hess said. "For FKK fans -- not that I'm one of them -- it's nothing unusual."
"I don't want people to get the wrong idea. It's not that we're starting a swinger club in mid-air or something like that," he added. "We're a perfectly normal holiday company."

Jeez, I hope for the sake of the passengers, there isn't a lot of turbulence. All that ball, penis, and boobie flopping can start to get painful after a while, especially when they're all just hanging out all loosey goosey. That's why I always wear a jock strap while traveling!

I feel bad for these flight attendants. True, flight attendants are giant whores by nature who get their rocks off in the airport bathroom. But you know that most of the people who ride this flight are old men whose balls sag down to their knees, and women with spiderwebs and dust bunnies growing in their cooters and boobs that droop to their belly button.

What Do I Gotta Do?

So first off, let me say that I totally am the laziest fuck in the world, and did not post anything this entire weekend. I know, one week of blogging and I loose interest. It's fine, since I'm pretty sure that I'm the only person who reads this. But now I'm back, and since I'm still sort of lazy I'm only going to go as far as to share a video I saw on my favorite blog- DListed.

I present to you this AMAZING clip of Celine Dion from the French TV program- Star Academy, which is like a French American Idol but only WAY better. This clip is totally magic, and it gets better as it goes on- so give yourself a 10 minute break and experience Celine in all her crazy glory.

Isn't this the most insane thing you've ever seen???? She just won't shut the fuck up. I refuse to believe that she isn't on drugs. Or maybe it's just menopause? I don't know what it is, but someone should bottle it up and sell it on the black market. It looks like a fun trip to be on.
But more important than Celine is how awesome this Star Academy is. First of all, the production values are so so so so so so much better. Look how sparkly and shit everything is. Also, all the boys are really cute, with the exception of Bertrand. And that host is super sexy. Seriously, I'd climb his Eiffel Tower anytime. Soooo much better than Ryan Seacrest, who is about as sexy as a dried up period stain. But back to Bertrand, what drugs was his mom on when she got pregnant with him? Seriously, he looks like a frog person or something. It's not right.
They need to bring this format to America. They did try it for a moment on ABC (Wikipedia it if you don't believe me), but it totally failed. But I say give it a second chance, put it on VH1 of the CW or something where it can be free to be trashy, not a family network like ABC. Fill the house with fame hungry teens, Adderall, and random nut job celebrities, and it will be a hit. And stick with the name Star Academy, not The One: Making a Star. No wonder it was cancelled.

Tom Cruise Has His on Pre-Order

"British billionaire Richard Branson, left, and the aerospace designer Burt Rutan unveil a model of SpaceShipTwo, the vehicle they hope will be able to take passengers on suborbital joy-rides, just for the fun of it, with test flights beginning as soon as this year, during a news conference in New York, Wednesday, Jan. 23, 2008. At top is a model of White Knight Two, the mothership for Space Ship Two, which is now under construction at a hangar in the Mojave Desert." (Associated Press)

This is maybe the most awesome thing I've EVER read. This is what the motherfucking 21st century should be about people. Seriously, if the 20th century brought us automobiles, and airplanes, and computers and shit, then the 21st century should be all about space travel, robots, clones, beam-me-up-scottie shit, and a whole bunch more. Seriously, if we went from horse-and-buggy shit in the beginning over the 20th century to space-travel and airplanes and shit at the end of it- think where we can go from here.

The Lampkin Has Landed

So just below you will see my post on Jeffrey Lampkin after watching him last night on American Idol. He is my new idol, and hopefully will be the next American Idol. As I said yesterday this kid is cook-a-loo crazy and I love every minute of it. Seriously he is ridiculousnees to the max.

In my personal opinion the world needs more Jeffrey Lampkin to brighten our days and lives.

Isn't this just pure bliss??

In all sincerity I truly heart this kid. Below is his full AI audition which he did with his less fascinating but equally sweet sister.

Item of the Moment

Okay, so I know just yesterday I was all googoo gaagaa over this electronic bubble wrap shit. But this new toy from Japan totally kicks the electronic bubble wraps ass and has won it's place as my Item of the Moment.

I introduce to you the Ame no Wataame- it's a Japanese cotton candy maker that makes cotton candy from candy!!!! See the video demonstration below:


Make cotton candy from real candy? Yes! Ame de Wataame from Japan from JapanTrendShop on Vimeo.

Now I bet you the cotton candy she's eating is from some sort of shrimp candy- but still- I need this shit STAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I mean, for the unfortunate few that know me, you all know that I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE candy. I eat tons of candy and am always looking for the next best thing- and I think this is it.

I mean can you imagine cotton candy from say Sour Patch Kids, or Starbursts, or Sour Skittles, or Tropical Skittles, or Original Skittles, or Sour Power Straws, or Gummi Bears, or Nerds, or Sweet Tarts, or Smarties, or Fun Dip, or Pez, or Baby Bottle Pops, or Sweedish Fish, or Ring Pops, or Push Pops, or Blow Pops, or Pop Rocks, or Twizzlers, or Dots, or Mentos, or Fruit by the Foot, or Laffy Taffy, or WarHeads, or Mega WarHeads or Lemon Heads, or Cry Babies, or Sour Patch Kids, or Red Vines, or Red Hots, or Jolly Rancher, or Now n Later, or Gobstoppers, or Spree, or Chewy Spree, or Runts, or Pixie Stix, or Airheads, or Soda Bottle Pops, or....ARGGGHHHHHH, the possibilities are endless, my head is going to explode!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whew, all right now, I'm composed.

Seriously though- someone please buy this for me.

Thanks.

Let It Be a Quick Shoot

Filming begins for the feature film adaptation of The Road, by Cormac McCarthy, and I hope that they crank this shit out ASAP because I LOVE this book and cannot wait to see it in theaters.

Now, I know that Oprah basically pushed this book harder than that bowel movement you had last night, but it doesn't change the fact that I cancelled plans to go out just to stay in and read the book straight through (and I never have plans, so that's a big deal), that's how much I loved it.

Well the movie stars Viggo Mortensen as the Father, which I think is PERFECT casting, and according to IMDB it also stars Charlize Theron (as I imagine his wife in the flashbacks- but it's not specified- but still I buy it- she'd totally kick ass in that role).

Casting is still underway, and as of yesterday they are currently seeking actors for the following role:
[GANG MEMBER] 20 to 35 years old, male. Caucasian. Strong CHARACTER faces only. Scars, pock marks, etc. - all welcome. This is a VERY THREATENING, rough man who has survived unspeakable conditions and has done unspeakable things...

So it's time to call your agents, you desperate needy whores, and tell them to that you and your pock marks are destined to be up on the big screen in the major motion picture adaptation of The Road. Casting is by Francine Maisler, but no phone calls, please. And if any of you mofo's book this job, I want my 10%.

Item of the Moment

Remember the joys of bubble wrap??? Popping air filled bubbles of plastic over and over and over again until you finally drove your parents insane and they sent you to bed without supper for being such an annoying bastard. Ah, memories.

Now, remember how sad it was once you realized there were no more bubbles left and your mother gave the other sheet to your little sister. ARRRGGGHHHHHHH- how aggravating.

Well leave it to the Japanese to invent my Item of the Moment- Electronic Bubble Wrap!!!!!!

"PuchiPuchi is designed to simulate the look, feel, and sound of popping bubblewrap, perhaps every geek's favorite pastime.

Every 100 "pops" gives you a random sound including "door chime", "barking dog", "sexy voice", the eternal "fart" noise, and more! As an added bonus, among every 1000 pieces is a "puchi lucky" toy with a heart-shaped bubble." (Japan Trend Shop).

I had a Japanese friend in college who I used to smoke pot with, and she claimed that people in Japan weren't really into pot and drugs and shit,which is probably why she was reluctant to go back. I think that totally sucks, but I believe it. That's why they have such crazy shit out there like electronic bubble wrap- ain't nothing else to do.

But seriously- I can't wait to go to Japan one day to buy a whole bunch of sneakers and crazy ass toys and shit. Oh, I'll also remember to stuff some pot up my ass for my friend, since it's hard for her to get. It might smell like rotting intestines of a pig, but once she's stoned she won't mind.

Oh, and as is always the case, I will happily accept this as a gift.

Thanks!

America's Next Top Model Alert!!!!

So, as I was wasting my time today, between watching porn and eating donuts, I saw on FourFour blog that the model pohots for the next cycle of America's Next Top Model are out.

I'm not going to say anything about these girls just yet (I'm just getting over the last mind-numbing cycle), except that each of these girls looks like a knock-off of a previous contestent. I wouldn't be surprised if this was actually Tyra's plan. This past season it was about girls with "different" or "hidden" beauty- aka they're all fug until you photoshop the shit out of them. This upcoming season is probably all about "Girls who look like previous contestants, but who need to bring their own game" or some crazy ass Tyra shit. See them for yourself here.

If you're into ANTM like I am (you have problems) then you probably already know about FourFour, but in the event that you don't- this is one of the funniest sites around- and Rich does maybe the funniest recaps of episodes I've about ever read.

Don't Go Chasing Waterfalls...

Unless of course you live in NYC!!!!



"Four giant waterfalls will be erected in New York for three months this summer in a public art project city officials hope will create $55 million in extra tourism revenue for the Big Apple. The waterfalls, including one that will fall from the famed Brooklyn Bridge, are the brainchild of Eliasson. They will cost $15 million, to be funded by private donations to New York's Public Art Fund. (Olafur Eliasson- Courtesy Public Art Fund/Handout/Reuters)"

I actually think this is really cool- and probably the best use of $15 million dollars. I'm not being sarcastic. With Bush on the TV telling us that we're entering a recession without actually using the word "recession", art funding and spending is usually the first to go. So it's nice to see that private funds are still available to bring really cool public art.

Now if they projected this video behind the waterfall it would be even that much more brilliant:

One Step Closer To My Dream

According AP, scientists in California have produced human embryos that are clones from two men!!!!

NEW YORK - Scientists in California say they have produced embryos that are clones of two men, a potential step toward developing scientifically valuable stem cells

The new report documents embryos made with ordinary skin cells. But it's not the first time human cloned embryos have been made. In 2005, for example, scientists in Britain reported using embryonic stem cells to produce a cloned embryo. It matured enough to produce stem cells, but none were extracted.

Stem cells weren't produced by the new embryos either, and because of that, experts reacted coolly to the research.

"I found it difficult to determine what was substantially new," said Doug Melton of the Harvard Stem Cell Institute. He said the "next big advance will be to create a human embryonic stem cell line" from cloned embryos. "This has yet to be achieved."

Dr. George Daley of the Harvard institute and Children's Hospital Boston called the new report interesting but agreed that "the real splash" will be when somebody creates stem cell lines from cloned human embryos.

"It's only a matter of time before some group succeeds," Daley said. (click here for full article)

This is all controversial and shit-but for me it's one step closer to my dream of having my own clone. Now, I know people think this is wrong and shit and that we're playing God (which I'm okay with, seriously, I think I could have done a better job than God anyway), but I think this is the most awesome thing since Entenmann's Holiday Cup Cakes. Why you ask? Well a clone means you can basically do anything to your body and when it starts to crap out on you- you can just borrow from the clone.

For example- I can smoke pot all day long- and when my lungs are shot- I'll just take a new healthy pair from my clone. If I drink until my liver falls out of my ass- I'll just pop in my spare. Should my brain finally turn to rot and ooze out of my nose and ears from watching all that TV- I'll just insert a new one. If my balls dry up from my chronic masturbating- I'll just tie on a new set. See people- we shouldn't be scared of clones- we should embrace them.

Now if only they would manufacture my robot double so it can go to work for me and make money for me and then spend the night in my closet, a la Vicki the Robot, then I'd be a happy happy man.

Item of the Moment

So I love getting things- I love expensive things, I love cheap things, I love medium priced things- basically if you're giving me something- I love it- even if only just for that moment.

Well- I know that for every person who likes to get things, there is a person who likes to give things- and so I'm starting with my first- Item of the Moment post. This is the item that I desperately need/ want/ covet for the moment- and will happily accept as a gift for those of you who haven't fulfilled you need to give.

And so I present to you:

Black Sheep & Prodigal Son

Golden Jaw

$3,250.00

24k gold micron plated bronze human jaw (micron means a thicker more durable coating than usual plating). Heat resistant coating. Stamped collaborative logo with hand-set natural black diamond. Bottom engraved with signature and edition number. Handcrafted in NYC.

Now- I don't know what I would do with a gold jaw- but it's shiny and cool and expensive- and if there are any grandma's with no grand-kids, or rich folks who are lonely, or just someone who wants to make a boy happy- buy this for me- I swear- I won't mind.

Thanks,

Pedro

Just for me

So if you don't live in NYC, then you haven't seen this commercial for The Grand Prospect Hall in Brooklyn.



Notice the taste, sophistication, and class. Now- I love this commercial because it is everything I grew up with being a Borough kid myself. My particular favorite is the owner's wife- she looks like a giant head with black holes where her eyes, nose and mouth would be. It's almost like a bowling ball face- I just want to stick my fingers in her face openings and roll that head to a strike!!!! Also I love the skank in the white dress trying to act as if she's this classy lady and not some skank who met her husband sucking dick on the corner of the street in Bay Ridge.

Now- if you enjoy the commercial as much as I do (you need serious help)- then you will love this vintage commercial for Grand Prospect Hall from the 1980s- some things just are timeless.