Sisters from the Same Ugly Ass Mister

Here's Kate Moss with her sister, oh wait, that's her mother, leaving dinner last night in London. Seriously, Kate only looks about 5 years younger than her mother, and her mom, or mum since they're Brits, doesn't look so hot for someone in her 50s either:

"They had just wrapped up a night out with Little Britain star David Walliams, Elton John's husband David Furnish and journalist Janet Street Porter.
Kate has kept close company with her mother in recent times, with Linda joining in on the star's raucous 34th birthday celebrations earlier this month."(Daily Mail)

OMG!!!! Do you think that Kate's mom was one of the other women in the bed during Kates B-day orgy?!?!?!? EWWWW!!!!! That's gross.

Seriously though, I can't believe that this hag continues to model. I used to LOVE her when I was a teenager, but that's probably just because I was gay and going to high school in NYC and thought that whole CK heroin chic shit was hot, and she resembled a boy. But now, she is straight up busted.

The article went on to explain that they're shipping Kate over to the states as she's going to be an instrumental part in the opening of the TopShop stores here in NYC. Um... this is NYC, reasonable priced super hot British fashion in New York doesn't need Kate to bring in the customers. In fact her fug ass might turn us away.

On the other hand, if we can get some 4 in a bed action in the states- with VIDEO- then I'd be okay with it.

Why You Gotta Do Me Like That?

(click on photo to see full size)
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! Jordan Catalano has broken my heart and officially crossed over to the dark side. And by dark side, I mean the black hole that is Paris' cooter.

I think I just died a little on the inside.

Video Killed the Radio Star

So below is the video that The Sun has acquired of Amy Winehouse smoking some crack. Just a normal day in the Winehouse house.

Now, I still can't believe that this bitch got a Visa to come to America for the Grammy's, but this is exactly the kind of show I'm hoping Amy will bring on the road, camera crew and all.

She Wants to be Popular

The Cheno was tromping around LA this past weekend, looking pretty hot for a 40 year old musical theater actress.

After hitting the pavement and drinking a 40 ounce for a while, Kristen then took her best pap friends shopping, because, you know, we all want a camera crew with us when we try on clothing.

Now, I know musical theater performers aren't known for their subtelty, but if this photo op was any more staged, it could win a Tony.

P.S.
Please hang that dress back up. It looks like an organza garbage bag. Thanks.

Is This Better?

So everytime I see a photo of Lindsay Lohan she's wearing tights.

Tights in the morning, tights in the evening, tights in the afternoon. Tights for breakfast, tights for lunch, tights for dinner underneath the moon.

Now obviously I'm not the first one to realize this, and there has been many a cry across the Internet for La Lohan to please stop wearing tights; to which I have to say:

Is this so much better?

Um... unless you're running out of the dressing room to grab the next pants size up, this look is not okay.

Carmen Sandiego

REUTERS:
"Proving boomerangs really do come back, an Australian town was on Thursday celebrating the return of a boomerang stolen from an outback museum by an American tourist.." (click here to read the entire story).

Now, I know that the article claims that the boomerang was stolen and returned by a Vermont man named Peter, but I smell a cover up, and I have video proof that the culprit is none other than this bitch:

I got your number B. More like steal it yourself.

Say It Ain't So!

GATECRASHER is reporting that Scarlett Johansson will be announcing her engagement to actor Ryan Reynolds some time soon.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I love Scarlett Johansson, and the idea of her getting married sort of depresses me. Now, I know that there is no shot in hell that we'd ever get together for numerous reasons, but someone as smoking hot as her should stay on the market as long as possible. Don't tie yourself down girl, you're too cute.

Personally I fear that Scarlett will become boring after she gets married, it's just what happens (unless of course you get a divorce, which brings your interest level to a whole new level of excitement and intrigue).

Well Scar, I guess if you're going to break my heart, at least it's with someone hot. And does anyone know if Ryan Reynolds is a Reynolds Aluminum Foil Reynolds? Because if he's heir to that silver fortune, she also bagged her self a rich one.

Here's a picture of Johansson from a New York Magazine shoot with my favorite director/writer bitch, Woody Allen:

(This photo could literally be a snap shot out of my dreams)

SLUTS OF AMERICA!

THIS IS HOW IT’S DONE:

"The catwalk queen got hot and sweaty with two female models and a lucky male guest while a crowd of onlookers snorted cocaine and ogled the eye-popping performance". (click here to read the full article from New of the World).

Now I love the News of the World for a lot of reasons- but I think my favorite reason I go to this site is to read the comments, which are hilarious because they use all their crazy UK talk and shit. Here are a few of my faves:

Posted by: Edmund Simpson | January 20, 2008 at 10:23 AM
“that is one jammy bloke. anyone got her number?”

Posted by: Shelley | January 20, 2008 at 11:51 AM
“She really is NOTHING special at all,bit of a minger if you ask me. Whats all the fuss about??? Even her nipples look deformed.”

Posted by: buzz | January 20, 2008 at 12:59 PM
“Kate you are a manky old tart-old beyond your years”

Jammy, Minger, Manky Old Tart! -LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!
The next time someone says something nasty to me (which will probably be later this afternoon), I'm totally gonna be all "Jammy off, you manky old minger tart". That'll teach them.

This post by Joe speaks for itself:
Posted by: Joe | January 20, 2008 at 10:18 AM
“How wonderful to read of the gut-wrenching envy and impotent apoplectic rage now consuming Middle England at the sight of this intelligent, stunningly beautiful and fabulously rich, independent woman enjoying herself. Good on you, Kate - go for it! You make me proud to be English!”
Joe- YOU make me proud that you're English!

America's Next Top Model Alert!!!!

So, as I was wasting my time today, between watching porn and eating donuts, I saw on FourFour blog that the model pohots for the next cycle of America's Next Top Model are out.

I'm not going to say anything about these girls just yet (I'm just getting over the last mind-numbing cycle), except that each of these girls looks like a knock-off of a previous contestent. I wouldn't be surprised if this was actually Tyra's plan. This past season it was about girls with "different" or "hidden" beauty- aka they're all fug until you photoshop the shit out of them. This upcoming season is probably all about "Girls who look like previous contestants, but who need to bring their own game" or some crazy ass Tyra shit. See them for yourself here.

If you're into ANTM like I am (you have problems) then you probably already know about FourFour, but in the event that you don't- this is one of the funniest sites around- and Rich does maybe the funniest recaps of episodes I've about ever read.

And the Big Question Is.....

Does the carpet match the drapes???
Wow, Erykah Badu's fro is major- it's like it's own eco-system or something.
Talk about bringing the crazy- I think she and Lauren Hill should team up and really bring the nuts to a whole new level.

(Lauryn Hill looking like a Space Age Hobo Clown)

SJP to Trot onto the Bway Stage Again

Theater queens, brace yourself! My favorite MY LITTLE PONY (and no, that is not my original diss, but I'm going to pilfer it since it captures my sentiments exactly- and not just because she necessarily looks like a pony, but also because she reminds me of the ridiculously girly-girl who would actually want a real life My Little Pony so she could brush it, and love it, and dress it in coordinating outfits as imagined by Patricia Fields) is rumored to be making her return to the Broadway stage in the upcoming production of Boeing-Boeing.

Michael Riedel of the New York Post is reports: "Parker, who's been looking for a comedy or musical in which to make her return to Broadway, is seriously considering the offer. If she says yes, she'll inject a much-needed dose of star wattage in the spring season".

Personally I think the stage is the perfect format for Sarah Jessica Parker, it beats the hell out of magnifying her mug a million times on the big screen.

Speaking of the Parker's mug on the big screen, here's the trailer for the Sex and the City Movie.

It's Britney Bitch

Yup- it's all Britney, all the time.

I feel like no matter where I go or what I read- there's always some shit about Britney. Now I'm not complaining since I love reading about her wild and crazy antics- and if it was really that big of an issue- I could totally make the choice NOT to watch E! News and read Perez Hilton and US Weekly.

But now it's officially gone too far. Yesterday, while campaigning for her Presidential Election, Miss Hillary was asked if she had any advice for Britney!!! Now, it should be noted that the reporter was from TMZ, but still. Next, they'll be debating Britney-Gate on the fucking House floor. Democrats will argue to use our tax dollars to help her get off her Frappacino addiction, and Republicans will fight to deport her ass to Mexico after they build that fence of theirs.

There's video at the link above- Hillary laughs it off, but I know she wants to turn around and slap that bitch for being such a dumb ass reporter (if she's even allowed to call herself that- I mean she's from TMZ for crying-out-loud).



Oy. That's all I have to say.

Working with a Stiff One

So we all know Lindsay Lohan knows her way around a stiffy- but this brings it to a whole new level.


The Associated Press is reporting that as part of her punishment for driving drunk (in addition to 84 minutes of jail time), Lindsay will work 8 hours at a morgue. Read below:

"Fri Jan 18, 8:25 AM ET

"LOS ANGELES - Lindsay Lohan is about to see dead people.

The 21-year-old actress will soon be working at a morgue as part of her punishment for misdemeanor drunken driving, her attorney, Blair Berk, told a judge Thursday.

She has also spent two months in rehabilitation and has done some community service, Berk said at a hearing on her progress toward fulfilling the terms of her plea bargain.

Her two four-hour days at the morgue are part of a court-ordered program to show drivers the real-life consequences of drinking and driving. She must also spend two days working in a hospital emergency room.

Lohan was arrested twice last year on DUI charges and pleaded guilty in August to misdemeanor drunken driving and cocaine charges. She has already served 84 minutes in jail as part of the plea deal."

This seems like a good idea on paper, but I question how effective it is for someone who has been convicted of numerous DUI's. EVERYONE knows how dangerous driving drunk is- and in my opinion people who drive drunk just don't give a shit. I don't know that seeing a dead body is going to make any difference.

I think that instead of looking at dead people they should be forced to serve more than 84 minutes in jail- and not in isolation. I have a feeling that after you wake up to your butch cellmate forcing you to eat her coochie while threatening you with a knife made from toothbrush, you will think twice about driving drunk again.

Mary, Is That You??

So I know that these pictures are old, but I recently saw the film Paris, Je T'aime, and while it was fugged-up with the mug of Maggie Gyllenhal, the appearance of Miss Portman made up for it, and it just reminded me of how much I love her, so I'd like to share my love with you. (But seriously, I HIGHLY recommend that EVERYONE rent this film, which is a collection of short films. The last story about a middle-aged single woman from Denver experiencing a joyous but lonely trip to Paris creates a stirring in the dark abscess of my soul everytime I think about it.)

Look at these pictures below from New York Time Magazine Holiday edition, and tell me this woman isn't worth going straight or lesbian for:



Seriously, she looks like an angel that Mary had banished from Heaven because she was jealous of all her beauty and shit. You know there's only room for one hot bitch up there and Mary wasn't about to share the spotlight with Nattie- but that's okay Natalie, we love you here on Earth.

Star Light, Star Bright...

... Kate's Face Gives Me the Frights.

Kate Moss was out and about last night celebrating her 34th birthday. According to the Daily Mail, Kate had planned to celebrate with 34 hours of partying, one for each hour she's been alive.

Well... bitch is showing her age, because she failed. The hag crashed after a mere 18 hours of partying- amateur!

Goth Christmas

So Blake Lively is SUPER CUTE. She's young and energetic, and has not yet showed me her vagina lips- so I love her.

However the following picture concerns me:



I'm not sure I really understand what is going on here- she looks like she's about to perform in the Christmas Party number of the Nutcracker, and her character is that of an extremely young seductress widow.
The bottom of this dress looks as if it used to be the Christmas Tree skirt at the Addam's Family Mansion, and the top- well, it looks like it took inspiration from the gorilla costumes in the musical mess Tarzan- see what I mean:

It's like a furry bolero/ shrug/ bra kind of thing.

It's okay Blake, I'll cut you some slack- you're wearing what appears to be Chanel at a Chanel event- I can't blame you for looking ridiculous- it's part of the whole Chanel package- but next time, maybe stick to just the jewelry.

Zapatos!

Selma Hayek is hot, hot, hot- and here she is being hot with Edmundo Castillo, the shoe designer, at the Sergio Rossi store opening in Beverly Hills last night.

Seriously- this woman is what all women should try to be like. She's Spanish, and sexy, and giving me the eyes as if to say, "Yes chico, I know he's wearing white sneakers with a black suit, but a chica's gotta do what a chica's gotta do, and right now I gotta pose with Edmundo Castillo so momma can get me some free shoes."

I hear you Selma, a millionaire can't possibly be expected to pay for their own shit.

It's a Bird, It's a Plane, It's....

...Lindsay Lohan and her flammable hair doing her best Wonder Woman pose.


Lindsay Lohan made her way to the Cloverfield premiere and hammed it up all over the red carpet.
Was she in the movie? No- we all know bitch doesn't make movies anymore. She was just there to show off her fake hair and orange face- which is about six shades more orange than her body (and is it just me or is it also really splotchy with orange- like she was making out with one of the extras from Willy Wonka II, and he got his orange make-up all over her face). Will someone please tell this girl to go back to her natural red hair- she looks like someone scalped a My Size Barbie and then sewed it onto her head.

If I was one of the other actresses in this movie- I would have beat this bitch down for stealing the spotlight.

Quick- Hide Your Crack Pipes

Warning! Warning!
Hide all Coke, Crack, Baby Powder,Baking Soda, Ajax, Whatever.
Amy Winehouse is coming to America and she's ready to snort anything in her way!


According to EW.com the Grammy's are expected to go on with or without WGA Approval- and none other than Miss Amy Winehouse is expected to be in attendance. Of course it's unknown whether or not Winehouse will perform- but who really cares- I'm just excited that she's taking the mess of a show that is her life on the road.

It was touch and go for a while as to whether Amy would be allowed in the country, given her history of drugs and arrest- but since this is America- her Visa was approved and Winehouse is free to terrorize the states!

You know Britney is PISSED that Amy's bringing her shit to America. Britney owns crazy this side of the Atlantic. Be prepared for some nutty celebrity hijinx the week of the Grammy's

I wish they would allow Blake to come into the country too so we can get the full effect- like a prisoner exchange program or something- but alas- it doesn't look like my wishes will come true.

Can't a Ho Get a Break?

So the Daily New's Rush & Molloy are apparently reporting that Sienna Miller might have been the cause of the Penn/ Wright break-up.

A source claims that:
" 'Sienna was sitting on Sean's lap,' according the source. 'She was dressed very sexily. She had her arm around his neck.' That night, claims the source, they stayed up quite late."- Is this really grounds for divorce? A grounding, yes, but a divorce- I'm not so sure.

Now I love Sienna Miller- I don't know that I've actually seen her in many movies- but I feel like this is the third, fourth, hundreth celebrity marriage that this slag has allegedly broken up- and since I think marriage is a scam- I love Sienna for constantly destroying the sanctity of that bond.

Also- I love that she dresses like a patient in the mental ward playing dress-up during free time, but that's another story.

Now- Sienna- if you're listening- do you think you could slut it up with the dude that Katherine Heigl married- that cow doesn't deserve happiness. Thanks.

Here's an old photo of Sienna in my FAVORITE ensemble of hers to date: